...I am beginning to loathe budgets? Although there are some amusing moments. Like the $100K in T&E for "team building". I'm sure renting out Oahu for a week would build a nice team, but damn it you just have to draw the line somewhere.
I spot a Yani CD on a co-worker's desk this morning. Of course I make fun of him. He insists I should listen and passes another Yani CD over to me. So I pop it in for a test drive. First time I've ever listened to Yani. Review to follow.
Update: I've had enough. It's like listening to cotton candy. Must put on Bruce Springsteen to feel manly.
People ask way too many personal questions at work. They, for example, want to know what's going on between me and my girlfriend. They want to know what I'm doing for the Jewish Holidays. Listen, folks, it's my life, stay out of it.
A woman I work with had her hair done over the weekend. Not an especially flattering style choice. I first see in her the lunch room today. Taken aback by the change, I decide to keep my mouth shut. Sure enough another co-worker pipes up: "Mary looks different today, doesn't she?" Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thanks for putting me on the spot, oh clueless one.
I am reviewing headcount projections here at work. First, we need one whole person to maintain just over 1,300 light fixtures that are being installed at our Jamaica Station facility. (I work for the Long Island Rail Road.) At 1,600 hours of productive time per year, that’s basically an hour per fixture per year. An hour per fixture? What the hey? Then, for a new circuit breaker house, we need 1/10 of a head (can you actually hire 1/10 of a person) or 160 hours of work per year to support maintenance every six weeks. Ok, folks, that means we’re doing 9 maintenance cycles per year. . . or 18 hours worth of maintenance per year cycle. 18 hours to do what? Is it any wonder we have budget problems here?
“Don’t heap too much praise on me,” I told the system support technician at work when I informed them that he never rescinded the administrative privileges he temporarily granted me yesterday to fix a problem on my PC. He was shocked, pleasantly so, that someone would bother to tell him this. What he didn’t know was that I didn’t tell him until after I made some long-awaited tweaks to my system – updating my Palm Desktop software and loading Real Player and a more robust Windows Media Player. (Worse, I had to find a way around the strict internet access restrictions we have here to find sites I could download Real Player and Windows Media Player from.) I confessed to my offense with Palm Desktop, figuring correctly that he wouldn't mind too much, but the other two transgressions are best kept between me and you faithful Blog readers.
...Invoice Approval Day!
What does this mean? That I feel confirmed in my theory about people.
Almost five years ago, I took a job in the budget office of the Long Island Rail Road when I wanted to transition from transportation planning to transportation financing. It was a stepping stone while I got my MBA, and the plan was not to be there for as long as I have.
As it often turns out, the reality is different from the plan. School was too demanding for me to devote time to a job search, too, and over a year ago, a promotional opportunity presented itself. By the time the promotion came through, it was close enough to when my pension will vest that it makes no sense to leave now.
It's no secret of my intention eventually to leave, yet some people in the office are skeptical that I will leave when the time is right. This past week, talk in the lunch room for some reason turned to me - I wasn't there - with one person saying that I would never leave.
When I and others got wind of this, I wasn't offended, yet the others were. One person thought about this over night and came back to me the next day to talk about it. Someone else was surprised to see me having a friendly conversation with the person who made the comment, as though he had committed some sin.
My attitude is simply that he's wrong. If that's enough for me, it should be enough for everyone else, shouldn't it?
If I wanted to be a lawyer, I'd have gone to law school.
You would think that having survived 9/11, this week would be a cakewalk. It wasn't. It wasn't anything like 9/11, but it was still a hard week. Knowing that people I'd worked with for years, some friends, many who had escaped being sacrificed on the altar of religious fanaticism were now going to be sacrificed on the altar of greed was very difficult. Not as difficult as actually being laid off, though. Although my boss had told me previously that I wasn't going to be laid off, there was still the underlying fear that he had changed his mind. Fortunately, he didn't. I am still employed. Everyone on my team is still employed. At least for now. Others are not so fortunate.
I'm tired. I'm drained. I'm nervous.
I'm actually quite lucky.
...of the word "imminent" with which I was previously unfamiliar.
Jeff Greenberg's resignation as Chairman and CEO of Marsh & McLennan Companies has allegedly been imminent since Friday. It's now 1 pm on Monday. It is inevitable, but I wish its imminence would hurry up already.
UPDATE: Well, imminent has finally arrived.
He just has anger management problems.
Compare his story to this one. I report, you decide. [Well, okay, I've already decided, but you should make up your own minds.]
Remember this e-mail? I'm going to highlight the number of times I outright said "high-level" in it.
E-mail 1:
Lesley XXX
09/02/2004 02:11 PM
To: A, B, C … W
cc: X, Y, Z
Subject: The Budget GauntletWe’ve scheduled the Budget Gauntlet for Wednesday, Sept. 8th from 12 pm - 4 pm in Conf. Rm. 6E. Lunch and refreshments will be served. Mark this day in your calendars.
I’d like to start with the high-level overview of the strategic projects, with those program managers also presenting a high-level overview (allow me to stress the words “high-level” again) of any of their non-strategic projects right afterwards . Hopefully a half-hour per will work out. It’s not necessary for the program managers to be present for other program managers’ presentations, although if anyone is interested, please feel free to stay. As a starting point, let’s go in alphabetical order.
12:00 pm Project 1
12:30 pm Project 2
1:00 pm Project 3
1:30 pm Project 4
2:00 pm Project 5
2:30 pm Project 6
3:00 pm Project 7
3:30 pm Project 8I know that some of these time slots may conflict with other meetings you might have. Rather than send around 50 million e-mails, I figured it was easier to put a stake in the ground. I’ll first ask that you try to reschedule any meetings you can. However, if you cannot, let the horse-trading begin.
Thanks.
Lesley
P.S. High-level
I think I said that the overviews are supposed to be high-level a sufficient number of times (four to be exact). Perhaps, though, I needed to repeat the phrase in every sentence, because following is an e-mail one of the managers sent to his/her direct reports regarding the presentations (it was forwarded to me with a request for a copy of the DCW).
E-mail 2:
A
09/02/2004 2:58 PMTo: B, C, D, E
Subject: The Budget GauntletPlease be prepared to present your resource projections on DCW level at this meeting.
DCW level. That means at a detailed level, not at a high-level. Aaargh!!!!!
One day I'm going to compile all these true tales of stupidity and publish them in book form to fund my retirement. But in the meantime, for your amusement, three true tales that occurred over the last two days. All other people will be referred to as A, B, C, etc. These may not be the same people from tale to tale.
Tale 1: How High Can You Count?
Background: We asked the managers who provide resources to multiple applications projects (shared services managers) to estimate the number of resources for each project and communicate the number to the application project manager. We also gave them the guidance that employee headcount (or, as we call them, colleagues) could not increase year over year.
Conversation:
A: "What do I do if I don't have enough colleagues to meet the project demands?"What I thought: "Figure something out. I'm not paid to do your job."
What I said: "Either allocate consultants or consider using offshore resources. Preferably the latter. Just tell the project manager how many of your resources you estimate they need to do the work and let them know if it's a colleague, a consultant, or offshore."
A: "I've got 15 colleagues in my group. How will I know when I've run out of colleagues to allocate to projects and will need to allocate a consultant?"
What I thought: "I guess you'll have to remove one of your shoes to count as high as 15."
What I said: "Well, you're the one telling the project managers how many of your resources they need. You'll know, if you allocate 1 here, 2 there, etc., when you reach 15."
A: "Oh, okay."
Tale 2: Which Part of Friday, Sept. 10th Didn't You Understand?
Background: At a presentation I made in front of all the application project managers and shared services managers last week, I told them we would be scheduling a meeting, to be called the Budget Gauntlet, in which the application project managers would let the shared services managers know what the estimated scope of next year's projects would be so the shared services managers could come up with resource estimates. I also announced that budgets, submitted in something we call a DCW (Detailed Costing Workbook), were due by end of day on Friday, Sept. 10th. Following please find an e-mail trail after I sent out the announcement with the meeting schedule.
E-mail 1:
Lesley XXX
09/02/2004 02:11 PMTo: A, B, C ... W
cc: X, Y, Z
Subject: The Budget GauntletWe've scheduled the Budget Gauntlet for Wednesday, Sept. 8th from 12 pm - 4 pm in Conf. Rm. 6E. Lunch and refreshments will be served. Mark this day in your calendars.
I'd like to start with the high-level overview of the strategic projects, with those program managers also presenting a high-level overview (allow me to stress the words "high-level" again) of any of their non-strategic projects right afterwards . Hopefully a half-hour per will work out. It's not necessary for the program managers to be present for other program managers' presentations, although if anyone is interested, please feel free to stay. As a starting point, let's go in alphabetical order.
12:00 pm Project 1
12:30 pm Project 2
1:00 pm Project 3
1:30 pm Project 4
2:00 pm Project 5
2:30 pm Project 6
3:00 pm Project 7
3:30 pm Project 8I know that some of these time slots may conflict with other meetings you might have. Rather than send around 50 million e-mails, I figured it was easier to put a stake in the ground. I'll first ask that you try to reschedule any meetings you can. However, if you cannot, let the horse-trading begin.
Thanks.
Lesley
P.S. High-level
E-mail 2
A
09/02/2004 02:57 PM
To: Lesley XXX
Subject: Re: The Budget GauntletLeslie, due to the issues we have had this week with some of our major initiatives, plus B being on vacation, I am going to be hard pressed to have all of the DCW's completed by this coming Wednesday, knowing that tomorrow is a half day, & Monday is a Holiday. Please advise if I can get a few days extension.
Thanks!
A
E-mail 3:
Lesley XXX
09/02/2004 03:15 PMTo: A
Subject: Re: The Budget GauntletA,
It's not DCWs that need to be completed by Wednesday. This is a discussion to help the Shared Services managers understand how much of their resources will need to be allocated to each project in 2005. No numbers are to be presented, just an overview of estimated scope. The DCWs are due on Friday, Sept. 10th.
Thanks.
Lesley
E-mail 4:
A
09/02/2004 03:19 PMTo: Lesley XXX
Subject: Fw: The Budget GauntletLesley, you stated below "I'd like to start with the high-level overview of the strategic projects", does that mean you are not expecting the DCW's that day? Please advise.
Thanks!
A
What I thought: "Which part of the DCWs are due on Friday, Sept. 10th wasn't clear?"
What I said in E-mail 5:
Lesley XXX
09/02/2004 03:21 PM
To: A
Subject: Re: Fw: The Budget GauntletA,
I am not expecting DCWs on Wednesday. By a high-level overview, I meant what you expect to deliver next year, i.e. qualitative information. I expect DCWs on Friday, Sept. 10th.
Thanks.
Lesley
Incidentally, after this e-mail exchange, I sent out a clarification e-mail to the same distribution list. I figured if one person asked, 10 were thinking it.
Tale 3: Are You Dumb Or Just Lazy?
Background: Three or four times a month, I meet with the CIO to have her sign both invoices and approvals for purchases. We call these "signing parties". We use a form called an A/R (Appropration Request) for purchase approvals. The next signing party is on Tuesday, Sept. 7th. Another e-mail trail follows.
E-mail 1:
A
09/02/2004 03:47 PM
To: Lesley XXX
Subject: Re: Date of Next Signing Party - Tuesday, Sept. 7thI have two hardcopies with B's and my ink on it.... shall I walk them up to you?
Thanks,
A
What I thought: "No, why don't you just give them to the guy behind the ticket booth at the train station and see if he can get them signed for you?"
What I also thought: "You're just lazy and want me to walk down and get them from you."
What I said in E-mail 2:
Lesley XXX
09/02/2004 03:50 PMTo: A
Subject: Re: Date of Next Signing Party - Tuesday, Sept. 7thA,
Yes.
Lesley
Tune in some time in the future for more True Tales of Work!
Ha! Maybe there's no such thing as a stupid question when you're a kid, but once you hit your adult years, I fear there are such things.
Case in point - An actual conversation that occurred in my office this morning.
"Do I fill out the check request for the amount on the invoice or the amount on the original requisition?""What?" I reply, too astounded that a Vice President in a Fortune 200 company would actually not know the answer to that question to be able to respond.
"Should I fill out the check request for the amount on the invoice or the amount on the original requisition? I forgot to include the sales tax on the original requisition."
"Fill it out for the amount on the invoice. That's how much we actually owe the supplier, right? You're not disputing the amount on the invoice, are you?" [Conflicting thoughts of "Don't you have bills to pay at home?" and "You must have a sensible reason for asking me this question, so maybe you think the invoice is wrong." race through my head.]
"No, the amount on the invoice is correct. Should I change the amount on the original requisition?" [Mind you, the original requisition was already signed by the CIO. Also, the faint hope of a sensible reason behind the question is shattered.]
"No, you should never, ever change anything on the signed requisition. That would be a huge audit problem. Next time, just remember to include the sales tax."
"Okay. Thanks."
Person leaves my office. Much shaking of head and muttering to self ensues. Hilarity reigns in the office next to mine, as one of my staff members is in hysterics over the conversation he just overheard.
