Friday Passover Treat!

I'm wasting away in Manischewitzville! Perfect for this time of year.

Via a long-time reader.

We're In Ur Country, Taking Ur Advantageous Financial Schemes

Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein.

Awesome.

Via Balloon Juice

The Real Reason GWB Promised Us A Moon Base

Because we have to fight the Mooninites there so we won't have to fight them here!

Seriously, Bostonians - WTF? Are you that sad? "ZOMG, the terrorists are attacking with neon signs of cartoon characters!" Somehow the signs haven't managed to freak anybody out in any of the other large cities they've appeared in.

Last link via Pandagon.

UPDATE: It occurs to me that several of my readers will not know what Mooninites are, other than obviously cartoon characters. They're recurring characters on Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a cartoon about a talking box of french fries, a talking milkshake, and a talking meatball. Although, come to think of it, that Frylock is one scary bastard...

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

To get a ticket.

Who the hell gives tickets to chickens?

Finish What You Started

Received in my e-mail this morning.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

Eliot Spitzer Vows to "Clean Up Universe"

Spitzer Space Telescope Eyes the Infrared Universe

Eliot Spitzer announced, today, that he was opening an inquiry into the amount of dust in the universe. "New Yorkers live in the universe. Therefore, we consider it within the venue of the New York State Attorney General's office to investigate the amount of dust in the universe and the adverse impact it has on the health of New Yorkers. We hope the universe will cooperate with my office in reaching a reasonable settlement." When asked if he would consider filing a lawsuit if an amicable settlement could not be reached, Spitzer replied "We're not ruling out any options at this time."

The universe was unavailable for comment.

Reason #101345 Why Bill Gates Is the Richest Man in the World

Because he doesn't write snarky comments on blogs.

Have A Hemingway Christmas

When I was in college, we used to joke that to write like Hemingway, you just had to write a sentence and then remove all the adjectives. Instead of saying "There was a little red house on the corner," you would say "There was a house." Those familiar with Hemingway's style will find this James Thurber parody of a Hemingway version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" funny.

Via Let's Try Freedom by way of Skippy

The Legion of Accounting

After sharing the fabby UGO Hero Machine with my staff, we decided to create superhero characters for each of us. Well, I created them all. So then I figured that if we were a team, we needed a name. So, without further adieu, the Legion of Accounting, here to save you from poor financial controls!

The leader of the Legion of Accounting - Finance Girl

The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-systems-accessing Hanman

The man charged with keeping telecom groups in check - Captain Network

Don't try to sneak anything past the Controller

Watch out for the Legion of Accounting. We'll Sarbanes your Oxley.

Separated At Birth?

My brother, who can post on the blog but can't FTP things up to the server, asks the following question:

Is it me or does Giambi - aside from looking downright scary in the
attached photo - bear a striking resemblance to Wolverine?

Compare and contrast.

The answer is obvious.

No! It's an insult to that fine-looking man, Hugh Jackman, to even suggest such a thing! Yes, Giambi has some weird hair thing going on and is affecting a snarl. But there is no striking resemblance to that man among men, Hugh Jackman!

Finance Girl To The Rescue!

Faster than an HP-12 calculator!
More powerful than an Excel spreadsheet!
Ready to crunch large numbers in a single minute!

Look, up in the office building. Is it an accountant? Is it an insurance adjuster? Is it a tax auditor?

No, it's Finance Girl!

Inspired by Michele, UGO, and the folks at the office who nicknamed me Finance Girl.

Belated Thanksgiving Joke

Forwarded to me by my father.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued:

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Dull and Humorless

The next time someone refers to the left as dull and humorless, they must be pointed towards some of the responses to Jim Treacher's piece in today's "Opinion Journal". It's a very funny satirical piece entitled "No More Years: Ten reasons I'm not voting for you, Mr. George W. Bush". Some highlights (italics mine):

10. Do you really think it's a good idea to be Hitler, George? Hitler killed millions of people and his approval ratings are in the toilet. Why can't you be somebody people like? Regis, maybe, or the Prophet Mohammed. Anybody but Hitler! Being Hitler = BAD IDEA.

9. Two words: You. Are. Dumb. This reason right here should have given it away as a joke. I mean, come on!

6. I mean, black hoods? Fa-shion dis-a-a-a-ster. Wasn't Abu Ghraib dreary enough already? (More like Abu Drab!) I would have started a riot--a laugh riot. While pointing at you! Again, obvious clue that it's satire! Has anyone actually criticized Abu Ghraib for being a fashion disaster? I think not.

5. How dare you taunt a dying Christopher Reeve with a big brown bottle of stem cells? The man was on his deathbed, you sick monster. Why did you have to hold the spoon right in front of his lips? "C'mon, Chrissy, it's right here. You can do it, bwah! Just another coupla inches. Oooh, yer close. Close!" Shame on you, Dubya. Do you know of anyone who thinks Bush taunted Reeves on his deathbed with a spoonful of stem cells? No, I didn't think you did. Sarcasm alert.

The Opinion Journal obviously got enough hate mail that it felt the need to post an update telling people it was satire. Sometimes I fear for our collective sense of humor.

Bobbing for Arnie

Seems to me this Arnold Schwarzenegger bobblehead doll has the wrong body part bobbing.

Shouldn't it be his hand?*

*Sure, I bet you thought I was going to suggest another body part. Well, hand actually is the first thought that occurred to me, but after I typed the post, I realized that some might jump to the conclusion I meant a part a wee bit lower down.

Happy April Fools Day!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Yankees fan/Mikey hater blogging. Thanks for the memories!

Click for Mega April Fools Size

Best Commentary On Gore Endorsement Ever

From Opinions You Should Have - Gore To Claim He Invented Dean, Says GOP.

You Know You're A Redneck Iffen...

I'm having a bit of blogger's block, so I decided just to translate yesterday's post into "Redneck" courtesy of the Universal Translator. Link to Universal Translator via hnumpah, a member in a politics forum I participate in.

Lack uv Critical Thinkin' Rears Its Ugly Head

Ovuh thar dang last 24 hours, Ah have had two separate discussions thut thar highlight ah lack uv critical thinkin' skills, Leroy! 'n thar dang first one, thar dang felluh 'n quesshun had re-ceived an e-mail about boycottin' Target because thut thar thar wuz against corporate policy tuh support Vietnam veterans’ causes 'n them's wuz French-owned.

Vietnam Veterans Associashun By Dick Forrey
We'all axed our local Target store tuh bay ah sponsor uv thar dang Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall durin' our sprin' re-cognishun event.

We'all re-ceived back ah re-ply ferm Target management thut thar “veterans do not meet our area uv givin', Leroy! We'all only donate tuh thar dang areas uv thar dang arts, social acshuns, gay 'n lesbian causes, 'n educashun.”

My thought: If thar dang Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall 'n veterans 'n general, do not meet they's donashun criteria, somethin' am wrong at Target, pardner. We'all wuz not askin' fuh thousands uv dollars, not even hundreds, but simply sponsorship uv an endorsement fuh ah memorial re-membrance.

As follow-up, Ah E-mailed thar dang corporate headquarters 'n they's re-sponse wuz thar dang same, Leroy! Personally, Ah gots ta NOT bay purchasin' anythin' at Target Stores again, Leroy! If thar dang Vietnam Veteran or Veterans 'n general do not meet they's area uv givin', pardner. then why should I, as ah Vietnam veteran, spend maw hard earned money 'n they's stores?

(TARGET IS FRENCH OWNED - WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT?)

Please pass this'n on tuh as many cousins as y'all know, Leroy!
Sincerely, “Veterans Helpin' Veterans”
PS: Target gots ta also not allow thar dang Marines tuh collect fuh “Toys For Tots” durin' thar dang holidays, hot damn!
Are y'all surprised?

Now Ah would think thut thar knowin' how many e-mail hoaxes there are out there, one might bay somewhat suspect uv thar dang claims made 'n this'n e-mail, pardner. Maybe do ah little re-search, Leroy! Ah wonduh if thar dang felluh thinks thut thar that thar hella am Mariam Abacha askin' he all fuh his'n assistance n'all thar dang little mattuh uv helpin' huh get huh millions out uv Nigeria, hot damn! Ah wuz suspect uv thar dang claims, so Ah did re-search, Leroy! Lo 'n behold, Ah turned up thar dang following.

Accordin' tuh thar dang Veterans uv Foreign Wars, Target wuz ah corporate sponsor fuh thar dang 2003 tour uv thar dang Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial Fund’s “ Thar dang Wall Thut thar Heals.” Apparently they's corporate policy does not prohibit 'em ferm donatin' tuh Vietnam Veterans’ causes.

Thar dang original e-mail ferm Dick Forrey did not include thar dang words “gay 'n lesbian causes”, hot damn! Someone else added those words later, probably tuh play on people’s prejudices, pardner. Thut thar link also provides ah bit lotsa in-depth informashun re-gardin' thar dang actual chain uv events between Forrey 'n Target, which am slightly lotsa involved than thar dang e-mail suggests, Leroy! Although thut thar thar am quite true thut thar Target might not have given Forrey funds fuh his'n particular charity had bubba gone through thar dang process uv formally applyin' fuh ah grant, we’ll nevuh know, hot damn! We'all also know ferm thar dang link 'n point 1 thut thar Target has donated tuh othuh Vietnam Veterans’ causes.

Target am not French-owned, Leroy! Thut thar thar am ah Minneapolis-based company whose primary shareholders are U.S. institushunal investors, pardner. Yes, AXAh Financial, which am owned bar thar dang French AXAh Group, does own ah 1.61% stake 'n them, Leroy! Deutsche Bank owns ah 1.66% stake 'n 'em too.

So now if y'all happen tuh get thut thar e-mail or know anyone who does, y'all gots ta know thut thar that thar am distorted, at best.

Thar dang second instance wuz when someone made thar dang claim thut thar “Ah would about bet maw life lotsa aid goes tuh Israel via thar dang federal treasury than does all but ah few states.” Guv-munt budgets are matters uv publik re-cord, hot damn! Thar dang government has been puttin' thar dang data out on thar dang In-tuh-net fuh several years now, pardner. So why not go check rathuh than makin' some wild-assed guess? Ah did, 'n thut thar thar turns out thut thar it’s ah perty good thin' bubba would only “about” bet his'n life, because otherwise his'n ass would bay grass.

Thar dang FY 2002 appropriashun uv U.S. foreign aid tuh Israel wuz $2.76 million billion (yes, Ah occasionally do make typos).
Numbuh uv states gettin' lotsa than $2.76 million billion 'n federal aid 'n FY 2002 wuz 37 (38 if y'all include thar dang District uv Colombia), Leroy! Go tuh page 14 uv thar dang attached document.

Total amount uv federal foreign aid - $15.4 billion

Total amount uv federal aid tuh thar dang states - $362.4 billion

It am precisely these types uv instances thut thar highlight thar dang problem n'all critical-thinkin' skills 'n this'n country, pardner. These are not underprivileged people, hot damn! Both have access tuh they's own personal computers, Leroy! Both have gone through thar dang U.S. primary 'n secondary school systems, Leroy! One uv 'em does not have ah college degree, true, 'n I’m not sure about thar dang othuh one, hot damn! Nevertheless, hot damn! Both exhibit sufficient interest 'n politics tuh spend they's time 'n political debate clubs.

Yet most uv thar dang claims don’t pass anythin' like ah re-asonability test if y'all stop 'n think about them, hot damn! Thut thar doesn’t necessarily make 'em untrue - unreasonable thin', pardner. do occur - but thut thar thar makes 'em suspect, Leroy! When y'all sez thin', pardner. thut thar sound unreasonable, wut y'all should do am go verify 'em fuh yourself.

But Ah suppose thar dang problem goes beyond just ah lack uv willingness tuh do thar dang work tuh verify thin', Leroy! thut thar sound unreasonable, pardner. Scariuh than thut thar am thut thar thar dang claims probably didn’t sound unreasonable tuh eithuh one uv 'em 'n thar dang first place.

Posted bar Lesley at Decembuh 8, 2003 07:35 AM | TrackBack

Comments
Thar dang whole foreign aid thin' am compleat non-sense, pardner. We'all run near thar dang bottom uv all developed nashuns 'n thar dang givin' uv foreign aid as ah % uv GDP, hot damn! If thar dang US completely eliminated all foreign aid, means tested welfare 'n all NEAh grants we'all would still bay about 350 billion 'n thar dang whole.

It’s ah lot uv hand wringin' ovuh nothin', pardner. Makes fuh perty good stories though.

Posted by: Rick DeMent on Decembuh 8, 2003 08:32 AM

Not tuh menshun thut thar Target has re-asonable prices, so thut thar thar dang individual, aftuh shoppin' at target fuh thar dang latest (insert basik un-needed consumuh good) them's should still have enough money tuh donate tuh whatevuh charity them's prefer.

And thut thar does not depend on thar dang particular coporate policy towards any particular non-profit org.

Posted by: Justin on Decembuh 8, 2003 04:26 PM

As Hnumpha’s piece pointed out, most uv America’s aid tuh Israel am not on paper—not easily deciphered ledgers anyway.

It comes 'n lotsa than just outright grants, Leroy! Thut thar thar comes 'n loan guarantees, forgiven loans, compensashun fuh thin', pardner. thut thar could bay dun 'n America lotsa inexpensively 'n tax breaks fuh donashuns thut thar gots tuh run into thar dang $billions.

Total aid thut thar kin bay re-asonably accounted fuh am between $6-7 annually.

Now Ah haven’t checked re-cently on thar dang exact figure, but last Ah re-call thar dang entire budget fuh thar dang state uv Washington—a socialist utopia n'all 6 million people, lotsa than Israel—was between $13-15 billion annually, Leroy! I’m not sure how Federal grants work, if them's are administrated via thar dang legislature or donated directly tuh agencies such as those re-sponsible fuh transportashun 'n healthcare infrastructure, hot damn! Some are undoubtedly given directly tuh private initiatives.

'n any event Ah have ah tough time believin' thut thar federal fundin' 'n this'n state equals 50% uv our entire expenditures.

Furthermore even if thut thar thar does, we'all do pay taxes 'n get ah lot less back than wut we'all pay in, Leroy! Hell maw sales tax isn’t even deductible! Why should foreign contribushuns be?

Ah don’t necessarly agree n'all all uv thar dang supposed facts 'n unsupposed sentiments expressed here, but it’s seems re-liable enough as ah source (AIPAC 'n thar dang Jewish Virtual Library are used 'n thar dang piece).

From: http://www.alternativenews.org

MIFTAH
A) Thar dang nature uv US foreign aid tuh Israel

A1, Leroy! Constitutes 30% uv thar dang total US foreign aid budget, which re-nders Israel tuh bay thar dang largest re-cipient uv US aid 'n thar dang world

Since 1987, thar dang US congress has annually been approvin' ah foreign aid bill totalin' an average uv $3 billion tuh Israel, $1.2 billion 'n economical aid, 'n $1.8 billion 'n military aid.

Aftuh thar dang gulf war 'n 1991, thar dang US has addishunally been uvferin' Israel $2 billion annually 'n federal loan guarantees, which brin', hot damn! thar dang total US foreign aid tuh Israel tuh about $5 billion, or $13.7 million puh day, pardner. This'n amount excludes thar dang approximate $1.5 billion 'n total tax-deductible private donashuns ferm numerous Jewish charities 'n individual donors.

All 'n all, this'n am thar dang largest amount uv foreign aid given tuh ah country, 'n constitutes 30% uv thar dang total amount uv US foreign aid budget.

A2, Leroy! Started 'n 1948 'n gradually increased ovuh thar dang years

Soon aftuh thar dang Truman decision 'n 1948 tuh re-cognize Israel as ah Jewish State, thar dang US Congress approved an aid package 'n thar dang form uv ah $135 million Export-Import Bank loan 'n orduh tuh take 'n holocaust survivors 'n provide 'em n'all homes.

Until 1973, aid wuz mainly made up uv military, economik 'n export-import bank loans, although annual economik grants rangin' between $0.1 'n $74 million wuz also uvfered between thar dang years 1951 'n 1962.

Aftuh thar dang 1973 war, thar dang US aid tuh Israel constituted largely uv military 'n economik grants tuh help strengthen thar dang Israeli defense forces, hot damn! This'n included $12-80 million, which wuz annually granted towards thar dang establishment uv Jewish re-fugee camps.

This TABLE shows thar dang history uv US financial assistance tuh Israel, as documented bar thar dang Jewish Virtual Library, hot damn! Notice thar dang pattern uv increased assistance ovuh thar dang years fuh economic, military 'n Jewish re-fugee grants, especially aftuh 1973, Leroy! This'n pattern re-flects thar dang US interests (secshun A3) 'n empowerin' Israel as thar dang only democratic, close ally 'n thar dang re-gion, 'n not fuh thar dang pure intent tuh assist ah developin' country.

A3, hot damn! Promotes American interests 'n thar dang Middle East

Thar dang US fundin' tuh Israel acts as thar dang backbone fuh thar dang strategik partnership between both countries, pardner. By advancin' Israel’s technological 'n military powers, thar dang US am able tuh share intelligence informashun re-gardin' Arab militant groups, like Hizbullah, as well as informashun re-gardin' thar dang proliferashun uv weapons uv mass destrucshun 'n countries such as Iran, Iraq 'n Syria.

Three quarters uv thar dang military aid tuh Israel goes fuh importin' US-made military equipment such as F-16 'n Apache attack helicopters, Leroy! This'n creates ah job market fuh US citizens 'n transforms Palestine into ah test ground fuh US made weaponry, used daily against Palestinians.

Israel has cooperated n'all thar dang US arms industry tuh develop lotsa effective military equipment at affordable costs tuh thar dang US, Leroy! About one quartuh uv thar dang military aid tuh Israel am contributed towards military re-search 'n development, where several innovative jet fighters, missiles 'n navigatin' 'n targetin' devices have been manufactured 'n sold back tuh thar dang US, pardner. Examples are thar dang ITALD, Litenin', pardner. Popeye 'n thar dang UAV.

A4, hot damn! Proposed bar Israel 'n 1998 tuh bay re-duced 'n an effort tuh establish an economically independent country

'n 1998, accordin' tuh an agreement n'all thar dang Clinton Administrashun 'n Congress, Israel voluntarily re-quested tuh decrease its financial dependence on US economik aid bar phasin' thut thar thar out ovuh ah period uv 10 years.

Thar dang $1.2 billion 'n economik aid gots ta bay re-duced bar $120 million each year until thut thar thar am down tuh zero 'n thar dang year 2008, Leroy! This'n gots ta help Israel tuh become an economically independent country.

However, 50% uv thar dang savin', pardner. (i.e, pardner. $60 million) each year gots ta bay added tuh an emergency military aid fund tuh Israel, pardner. This'n demonstrates thar dang US’s persistence 'n commitment tuh help Israel gain control uv thar dang re-gion.

B) Thar dang controversy fuh US foreign aid tuh Israel

B1, Leroy! Granted 'n disproporshun tuh Israel’s size 'n needs

Israel am an economically, technologically, 'n militarily advanced country, n'all ah puh capita rate uv $14,000, which am highuh thut thar that uv all neighborin' Arab countries, includin' thar dang oil-rich Saudi Arabia, pardner. Thut thar thar am ranked as thar dang world’s sixteenth wealthiest country, yet thar dang US aid tuh Israel constitutes 30% uv thar dang total US foreign aid budget.

Israeli populashun am 5.8 million, which only constitutes one thousandth uv thar dang world’s total populashun, pardner. Between thar dang years 1949 'n 1998, thar dang US has provided ah total uv $84 billion 'n aid tuh Israel, which exceeds thut thar given tuh all countries uv sub-Saharan Africa, Latin America, 'n thar dang Caribbean combined, n'all ah total populashun uv about 1.054 billion people.

B2, pardner. Promotes thar dang illegal occupashun uv Palestinian land 'n orduh tuh establish settlements fuh Jewish re-fugees

Ah porshun uv US foreign aid tuh Israel, which has increased 'n thar dang past decade tuh $80 million annually, goes into buildin' settlements fuh Jewish immigrants, hot damn! This'n occurs bar thar dang illegal confiscashun uv Palestinian land 'n home demolishun tuh allow fuh space, hot damn! Jewish settlements surround every single Palestinian city 'n thar dang West Bank, 'n they's rapid construcshun since 1973 has prevented thar dang creashun uv ah feasible Palestinian State.

Jewish settlements are built on confiscated Palestinian land tuh accommodate Jewish immigrants ferm all ovuh thar dang world, based on thar dang Israeli Law uv Return, hot damn! These immigrants are guaranteed thar dang right tuh Israeli citizenship, free Hebrew learnin', Leroy! 'n immediate employment, pardner. On thar dang othuh hand, Palestinian re-fugees who wuz forced tuh flee they's homes 'n 1948 'n 1967 are forbidden ferm re-turnin' tuh they's towns uv origin.

B3, Leroy! Transforms Palestine into ah military test ground

Seventy five percent uv US military aid tuh Israel goes into purchasin' US-made military equipment, such as tanks, machine guns, bullets, helicoptuh gunships, 'n more, Leroy! Thar dang US depends on Israel tuh test new military technologies 'n war condishuns, pardner. For example, uranium-depleted ammunishun has been fired at civilians 'n Palestine.

B4, Leroy! Violates US Law 'n abuses human rights

Thar dang Foreign Assistance Act (FAA) uv thar dang United States, which provides guidelines fuh thar dang eligibility uv certain countries tuh purchase US-made weapons 'n military equipment, states 'n secshun 116 thut thar “ Naw assistance may bay provided unduh this'n part tuh thar dang government uv any country which engages 'n ah consistent pattern uv gross violashuns uv internashunally re-cognized human rights.” However, Israeli army engages daily 'n degradin' 'n inhumane treatments towards Palestinians, such as prolonged detenshun without charges, strip searches at checkpoints, beatings, torture, 'n home demolishuns, pardner. Accordin' tuh Amnesty Internashunal, Israel am thar dang only country thut thar legalizes torture.

Similarly, secshun 4 uv thar dang Arms Export control Act prevents thar dang US government ferm sellin' defense articles tuh countries thut thar abuse they's use fuh non-self-defense purposes, hot damn! 'n 2001, thar dang US State Department described thar dang acshuns uv Israeli army against Palestinians as an “excessive use uv force,” re-ferrin' tuh thar dang use uv live ammunishun when soldiers wuz not 'n ah pendin' danger, Leroy! This'n clearly shows thut thar thar dang US does not agree n'all thar dang way these weapons are bein' used against Palestinians, yet thar dang US military aid tuh Israel continues consistently as agreed between both countries.

SOURCES:
Al-Awda, http://al-awda.org/
Global Exchange, http://www.globalexchange.org/
Thar dang American Israel Publik Affairs Committee, http://www.aipac.org/
Thar dang Jewish Virtual Library, http://www.us-israel.org/jsource/
Thar dang Palestine monitor, http://www.palestinemonitor.org/
USAID, http://www.usaid.gov/

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:06 PM

Obviously that’s $6-7 billion annually, 'n Ah would bet it’s highuh than that.

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:08 PM

Tax breaks fuh donashuns? Thut thar am ah completely bogus comparison, hot damn! Jews get tuh donate they's money tuh whatevuh charitable causes them's see fit, pardner. We'all even get thar dang same tax breaks afforded tuh any othuh U.S, hot damn! citizen, pardner. Y'all don’t have tuh approve, but thut thar am y'alls problem, hot damn! Ah bet Ah don’t approve uv some uv y'alls charitable causes either, hot damn! Do Ah get tuh whine about thar dang tax breaks y'all get fuh donatin' tuh causes Ah don’t approve uv? Thut thar am not U.S, hot damn! aid tuh Israel, Leroy! Thut thar am individuals givin' they's own money as them's choose.

As fuh y'alls disbelief about thar dang amount uv aid given tuh thar dang state, wasn’t thar dang link Ah provided tuh thar dang U.S, hot damn! government re-port sufficient proof? Y'all think thar dang U.S, Leroy! government am lyin' about it? Like Ah said, thar dang fact thut thar somethin' sounds unreasonable doesn’t necessarily make thut thar thar untrue, pardner. Unreasonable thin', pardner. occur, pardner. If thut thar thar sounds unreasonable, y'all just need tuh validate thut thar thar fuh yourself, Leroy! Ah did that.

Posted by: Lesley on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:14 PM

Shit, Leroy! Ah also meant “entire expenditures on thar dang state level”, Leroy! Technically thut thar thar should bay clear since them's are not “our expenditures” if thar dang Feds are spendin' it…but thar dang clarificashun might have been useful, some gots ta undoubtedly misconstrue thar dang point as me havin' suggested half thar dang state budget am federal money, which Ah don’t think thut thar thar is.

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:14 PM

Y'all would bet? Y'all lost y'alls last one, so eithuh provide some actual proof fuh y'alls beliefs or admit y'all hella don’t know.

Posted by: Lesley on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:14 PM

Yes Ah do think thar dang Federal government lies about things, imagine that.

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:15 PM

Yeah, so do I, just not stuff that’s easily verifiable.

Posted by: Lesley on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:37 PM

Funny Ah seem tuh re-call winnin' our last bet :)

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 9, 2003 12:29 AM

Another Time-Waster

The Bush Backdrop Generator. I generated Bushurama and The Bush in the Hall.

UPDATE: I realized that some of my regular readers won't get the references, so I'm posting them. Bender from Futurama and the Headcrusher from The Kids in the Hall.

The Great Canoe Race

My father sent me this via e-mail. It would be funnier, if it weren't so true.

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race.

Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

"We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.".

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life, eh?

The Current State of Most Political Debate

One of the reasons I have become less and less inclined to discuss politics nowadays is that the majority of political debate has come to resemble an unfunny version of a Monty Python sketch. So, I'd rather just listen to the funny original Monty Python sketch, namely The Argument Clinic. Read it and tell me I'm not right. Doesn't it just make you think about all the "Well, what about [fill in name of hated politician here]! If you say one bad thing about [fill in name of not-hated politician here], it must mean that you therefore support everything that [fill in name of hated politician here] does!"

The Cast (in order of appearance)

M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer
C= Complainer
H= Head Hitter

M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

Pause

R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)

M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.

Pause

A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right. (pays money)
A: Thank you.

short pause

M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
M: (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

It Came From the Spa!

Just when you thought it was safe to go out on the streets again, this horrifying thriller will keep you inside! Yes, It Came From the Spa. What is this monstrous thing turning normal women into green-faced monsters? Watch as these women terrorize your neighborhood! Cringe while they brandish their toxic nail polish! Scream as they steam unsuspecting victims' pores to death! Shiver while they pour hot wax on their lips, eyebrows, and more sensitive parts! Coming next Halloween to a theatre near you!

I'm Dreaming of a Color-Blind Winter Holiday

Michele has issued a challenge to envision a completely politically correct holiday season. My contributions, thus far:

The title of this post.

How the Grinch Redistributed to the Poor the Holiday Season.

New lyrics to the song "Winter Wonderland"

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful, but this is not to imply that a lane without snow would also not be beautiful, sight,
We're happy tonight.
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the non-color-specific-bird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He or she sings a love song,
As we go along,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowperson,
Then pretend that he or she is a member of the clergy from the religion of your choice or, if you prefer, a justice of the peace.

He or she'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No person,
Because marriage is a paternalistic construct
Designed to suppress women

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowperson,
And pretend that he or she's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with Mr./Ms./Miss/Mrs. Snowperson,
Until the alligators knock him or her down.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Arctic Native American way,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Traversing through a winter wonderland,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

If you have any of your own, go leave them.

Clap Hands

So on this other forum I participate in, a discussion was started regarding spirituality in the workplace. At some point in the discussion, one of the members responded to someone who said that it is fellow Christians who are the biggest challenge to his beliefs by saying

If you're a Christian, you believe in Christ. You don't believe in Christians.

But I believe in Christians! I'm sure they exist. I've met them.

Do you believe in Christians? Say quickly that you believe! If you believe, clap your hands! Maybe then the Christians won't die.

Punctuation Envy

A spammer asks the age-old question - "Do you suffer from small ???"

Hmm. Let's take a look. ???

My word, I do! Oh, the shame. Sure, sure, I know that readers all say that size doesn't matter, but do they really believe it?

Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball

In honor of the World Series, I've transcribed one of my favorite Bob Newhart stand-up routines entitled "Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball". Enjoy.

I got thinking about baseball, and how games are marketed today. You know, you go to a game manufacturer, and they figure everything out. And decide whether the game is right for the public or not, and then they market it. And it got me to thinking supposing Abner Doubleday had called one of the game manufacturers with this new invention of his called baseball. Now I think a phone conversation would have taken place something like this.

Hel..Hello, Olympic Games. What can I do for you, Mr. Doubleday?

You've got a game. How many couples?

18 people? That's a helluva lot of people.

Well the ideal game is, I mean, 2-3 couples. You know, come over to the house, they get a little smashed, and you know.

You can't play it in the house either? You see, you've got two things right there against you.

All right, all right. Tell me about it.

You got 9 guys on each side. Yeah.

You got a pitcher and a catcher. They throw this ball back and forth. That's all there is to it?

All right. A guy from the other side stands between them. With a bat. I see. And he just watches them?

Oh, I see. He swings at it?

He may or he may not swing at it. Depending on what?

"If it looked like it were a ball." Uh, what's a ball, Mr. Doubleday?

You've got this plate. Uh-huh.

And as long as it's above the knees but below the shoulders, it... No, no, go ahead, I'm listening... it's a strike. 3 strikes and you're out, and 3 balls...

Not 3 balls, 4 balls. Why 4 balls, Mr. Doubleday?

Nobody's ever asked you before.

Or he may hit it? If he hits it, what happens?

He runs as far as he can, before somebody catches it. As long as it stays what?

As long as it stays fair. And what's fair, Mr. Doubleday?

You've got these two white lines? Is this a rib? Is this one of the guys in the office? Who is this?

Mr. Doubleday, that's the most complicated game I've ever heard in my life. Forget it. Right. Mr. Doubleday, listen, though. You come up with anything 2-3 couples, you be sure and let us know.

All right, Mr. Doubleday. I'll be talking with you.

No Takers

A disgruntled Red Sox fan put Grady Little up for auction on ebay.

You just saw it happen, the Yankees thrilling victory over the Boston Red Sox in extra innings. Now, and one time only, get your official piece of memorabilia from the 2003 ALCS. That's right, you can now own Grady Little. Watch as he takes your team within five outs of the World Series, and then proceeds to squander it away. He will make all the memorable Little mistakes, leaving your starting pitcher who is clearly laboring in to give up 4 runs, or leave in your knuckle-baller, who clearly doesn't have his stuff, and lets him groove a floater to a slumping Aaron Boone. All this and more goes to the lucky winning bidder.

Seller's payment instructions:
for a limited time only, if the buyer pays the shipping for Grady Little, not only will you receive Grady Little, but you will also get Dusty Baker. That's two great managers both fully capable of bringing your team to within 5 outs of the world series and dashing your hearts. Act now!

Advice du Jour

Don't criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and, best of all, you'll have his shoes.

Courtesy of my father.

The Election Limerick File

Michele is having a Presidential election limerick contest. Having previously tried my hand at haiku and sonnets, I figured why not a limerick too?

There once was a man named Pat Paulsen
Who for President would run and run
I know that he's dead
Still I'd like him instead
Of Dick Gephardt or Joe Lieberman

Speaking of Bitchslaps

Via Strange Cosmos

Another Sick French Joke

I told this man I'm dating my sick French joke. He liked it, but having actually been in comedy himself, he came up with an even better one. Again, not for the faint of heart.

Q: "What do you call an epileptic on a Paris sidewalk?"

A: "Shake and bake."

Anyway, he's picking me up soon, so I'm off. Toodles.

Things That Make You Go Hmm

Why are clams the benchmark of happiness? How could you even tell if a clam was happy?

Why do people never seem to have two right feet? Is this some kind of sinister plot?*

Why would you even try to get blood from a stone?

Could you even get in on some floor other than the ground?

Are pins particularly neat?

What if Dante's right and snowballs have a great chance in hell?

*Yes, we here at Plum Crazy bring you puns in Latin.

Persuasion

Right. If you need to do a web search for how to persuade someome (sic) marriage is a good idea, I'm thinking you're already in trouble.

Your Own Personal War-Cry

A Better Monument for Alabama

A Judge Roy Moore bobblehead. What the heck, someone was doing a web search for one.

Weird Google Searches

No, literally, weird google searches. And I come up third. Over the years, quite a few people have said I'm weird, so what the hell.

Just Like Heaven

The Afterlife, V1.0 by silentounce
Name
Favorite Color
Your fate	Heaven
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Via Michele

That Dave Barry Meme

Could a (once) Manhattanite keep herself from hopping on the latest trend? Not this one! So I've entered the poetry contest at poetry.com. To find it, just search under the name Freemont Enegro.

Bad Canine
by Freemont Enegro

Bad little canine
The dog ate mother's toes
Her socks don't fit now

Somebody Delink Her

Meryl Yourish Wants You To Delink Her!

Here's what she is saying to start the delinking:

"Here, let's see if I can achieve an all-round delinking frenzy: Strom Thurmond was a racist jerk who should have died a few decades ago. (Hmmm, check.) PETA is a stupid, twit-filled organization that harms animal causes more than it helps. (Double check.) Ann Coulter is a lunatic who belongs in an asylum, and manages to cause more harm than good. And listen up, fellas—she's not hot! You are effing blind if you think that woman is attractive. (Amen, sister!) Ooh, ooh, I know! Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot! (Well, nowadays he's more of a big, not-so-fat idiot, but other than that, check again!)

However, any fools that happen to disagree with any of those positions should feel free to delink Meryl. And me. (Assuming you even have me linked, which is pretty unlikely, so feel free to link me and then delink me to make a really strong statement. Make sure to be really splashy and public about it too. And while we're at it, anyone who thinks that the Yankees should keep Jeff Weaver for reasons other than Yankees hatred should not only delink me but let me know who you are so I can delink you.)

Some Things Are Not Meant to Be Funky

I predict a Heinz brand manager is about to be fired - The brand manager who thought up Funky Fries, french fries flavored with chocolate, cinnamon, or sour cream. Sales of that nasty puppy were so bad that Heinz is claiming that is one reason for its fourth-quarter profit miss.

I love chocolate as much as the next chocaholic, but chocolate-flavored french fries? Ewwwwww.

1.5 2.5 Questions Answered

Andy is guest-blogging over at Liquid Courage these days. He's holding a kind of open mike night for questions. I asked him 3.5 questions, and he was able to answer 1.5 of them. Unfortunately, I still don't know what the hell a man-in-the-moon marigold is, but perhaps that's just one of those mysteries not meant for humans to know. I bet my cats know, smug-looking things. They're just not telling.

UPDATE: Matt answers one of the other questions. His photographic evidence is truly frightening. Not for the faint of heart. I bet three more seconds of in-depth research would have also turned up that it was a movie, though.

But I still don't know what a man-in-the-moon marigold is, dammit. I wonder if the gamma rays would turn them into some kind of Hulk man-in-the-moon marigolds that go around smashing other marigolds in the flower bed. Maybe Meryl would know.

A Newt?

Andy says he wants to be a newt. Far be it from me to stifle his self-expression, but the thought of being studied by that fish-faced freak Gussie Fink-Nottle should be enough to put anyone off newtness.

Speaking of Being Geographically Challenged

Geez, I thought I was bad when it comes to geography, but at least I would know better than to display the Tennessee state constitution on an Indiana local government building. Granted, I did have to look on a map to see how far apart the two states were (Kentucky separates them for those as geographically challenged as I am).

A Break from the Break

I simply had to take a break from the break and point this out. Consider this one of those "I report; you decide" things.

First, read the original post from Jane that garnered this response from some guy calling himself General JC Christian, Patriot. Now, ignoring what I said in the guy's comments, you tell me what you think.

Who Elected Me?

Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?


What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Via The World Wide Rant

DVDs of Death

The news is out about Uday's secret stash of videotapes. Yes, he collected such "gems" as Like Father, Like Son and License to Kill. Well, Michele wants to know what DVDs or videotapes you'd run to hide if you knew the public was going to find out. I fessed up that I'd hide my copies of Bring It On and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Easter's On Its Way

Not being Christian and all, generally I don't much care when Easter is. This year, however, I am anxiously awaiting its arrival. Because once it's here, that damn Toys "R" Us commercial will be gone, and I will no longer have the hideous evil insidiousness of Peter Cottontail running through my head!

UPDATE: That's it, I'm going to sue the bastards for pain and suffering! Having that damn song running through your head for 5 hours must qualify.

Prisoners of War

The recent Vogon forced relocation of Amish Tech Support has left the archives as prisoners of war. Go, give Laurence money so he can free them. It's the humanitarian thing to do.

The Vogons Are Coming

And they've built a hyperspatial express route right through Laurence. I wonder if that hurts?

UPDATE: Apparently there was some of those rare happy, warm, and fuzzy Vogons. They relocated him to nicer digs.

He can also be found here. Hopefully not spouting Vogon poetry. I feel sick enough today.

Putting Nigeria Out Of Business

Our government shows its disdain for African commerce once again, as it attempts to prevent Nigerians from earning a living.

This is a joke. This is only a joke. If this had been a serious post, you would have been provided with directions on where to send me reams of hate mail telling me what a stupid, politically correct moron I am.

Bad Hair Day

I wonder how much I could get for a cut I just thought didn't turn out well.

Taking Advantage

To whoever you are, I assure you, there are none. Well, maybe the wine and food, but you can always buy those where you live.

All Your Base

Okay, all you happy surfers who are arriving at my site today by doing a search for "all your base are belong saddam" are probably looking for this. Enjoy.

Sigh

This has been a very disappointing day, in which I discover that not only do I lack the glamorous "traitor" status, but I don't even qualify for the diminished "idiot and hypocrite" status. Although apparently I do get the somewhat less fun "seemingly" intellectual status. What's a girl to do?

Boredom

I'm not sure, but I think Dave of the greeblie blog is bored.

Shocking News

At last, incontrovertible proof that Disney is trying to take over the world with animatronics.

Casey Kasem is still hosting American Top 40. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I'd thank Andy of the World Wide Rant for alerting me to this fact, but I want the blue pill dammit!

Mr. Cranky Goes To Iraq

Mr. Cranky of movie review fame (well, fame used in the sense of a bunch of geeks like me who surf the Net too often read him) reviews Iraqi war news coverage. And he's not happy. Okay, of course he's not happy. If he were happy, he'd call himself something like Mr. Happy or Mr. Gleeful or some nauseating shit like that. But he's less happy than usual, giving it a four bomb rating (meaning "As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"). My favorite part of the review:

"After all, this is a television station that still insists all the Jews got out of the World Trade Center before the planes hit despite the fact that this rumor was proven to be your basic email hoax. If email is Al-Jazeera's source du jour, why haven't they reported on the ease with which any man can lengthen his penis two inches? They would surely rule the world within days!"

Not just that, but judging by the spam mail I get, I too can grow my penis two inches. This is even more amazing than a man being able to do so. Think of the scoop Al-Jazeera could have!

Buy Plum Crazy

Via Michele, I came across this thing called BlogShares. Imagine my shock when I discovered my blog was listed on this fantasy blog market with a market cap of $5315.20 and a share price of $0.58. Sure I have a ways to go to compete with the big guys, but I'm still psyched. I'm #209 on the list! You can go buy and sell shares of Plum Crazy or some of your other favorite blogs. It's a finance geek blogger's dream!

Name That Breakfast Item

For those of you who aren't aware, french toast is no longer being served on Air Force 1. They are now serving Freedom toast. Stuffed Freedom toast, to be precise. Personally I think the whole thing is pretty damn juvenile. However, I found Laurence Simon's take on it to be quite amusing. He is guest-blogging at the World Wide Rant (who has moved to Movable Type, BTW) and is asking commenters to come up with a better name than Freedom toast. So go give him your ideas!

What Not To Do With A Cell Phone

Courtesy of Michele.

Kitties!

Michele has waving kitties! There is just nothing to brighten up a dreary day like waving kitties.

Happy Blogiversary

Today is the one-year blogiversary of the World Wide Rant. Go give your props and mad programming skills to Andy and Tom. Andy said he spoke to Jesus, and Jesus said that if you do, it will counter one of your sins. Well, Andy has one up on me, given that I don't speak to Jesus. But I ask you, how many Jewish girls have the Pope as an uncle? (Go ahead, ask.)

The Wearin' O' The Green

And the tellin' o' the bad jokes.

Eamonn Murphy passes away, leaving control of his company, Murphy's Nails, to his wastrel son Sean. The board is a bit concerned about Sean taking over, but he convinces them to give him a shot, promising to increase sales over the next several months. Sean contacts a big New York advertising agency and tells them what he wants. They tell him, "No problem, Mr. Murphy, just tune into Channel 4 next Thursday at 6 pm."

Sean and the board anxiously turn on their TVs at 6 pm on Thursday. A desert scene comes on the screen, with a man with a beard, sandals, and wearing a tunic being dragged off by two Roman centurions. The man is nailed to a cross and the tagline comes on the screen - "Use Murphy's Nails. They'll never let you down."

Well, public reaction is bad. Cries of outrage come from all quarters. The Pope calls Sean directly to complain about the commercial. Sean frantically calls the ad agency. They tell him not to worry, just to tune in again next Thursday at 6 pm and they will take care of everything.

Everyone is now on pins and needles by the time Thursday rolls around. They are all sitting in front of their TVs biting their nails. The same desert scene comes on, only this time the guy with the beard, sandals, and tunic is running away from the Roman centurions. The tagline comes up - "Should have used Murphy's Nails."

M&Ms Homeland Security Pack

Alan has an excellent idea inspired by my poll - creating a Homeland Security Pack of M&Ms in which the only colors will match the Homeland Security Levels. Being the thoughtful guy he is, he also sent a set to Tom Ridge.

I was thinking about how this could work if the poll shows great support for the new level to be Invisible. I think I have the angle - sell it to women. "My favorite M&M is the invisible one. It goes straight to your thighs, but the fat is invisible!" I'd buy them.

Maybe A Nice Mauve?

I'm so glad to see that the government is taking care of important things like adding another color to the terror attack risk level. Apparently they feel that there needs to be one between orange and red. They couldn't just come out and say what they think, they need to color-code it. Who's got the Crayolas?

Via Eschaton

What color do you think the new threat level should be?

View Current Results

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Since our government and certain restaurants have taken the rather silly step of removing the word "French" from such American favorites as french fries and french toast, Pete is wondering if we shouldn't go all the way and just dismantle the Statue of Liberty.

An Ultimatum

Honestly, this is your absolutely, positively, final last chance¹

¹Unless some other country decides they don't like this last chance or the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars or Hans Blix sneezes 3 times tomorrow or 5 Iraqis can tell us who won the World Series last year without looking it up or you swear, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye never to do it again (until the next time) or someone left the cake out in the rain or... Offer void where prohibited by law.

Exciting E-Mail Offers

I'm pleased to announce that in an exciting congruence of events I can now both grow my penis safely and naturally and satisfy my woman instantly. Sadly for the spammers, though, I neither have nor want either of those things. Well, you can't blame a spammer for trying.

Don't Try This At Home

Coincidence? A representative from Oklahoma lost a tooth after butting heads with a heifer on his ranch. A Norwegian death metal fan got a skull fracture after a sheep's head went flying off the stage at a Mayhem concert. Spooooky.

Budget Cuts

We interrupt regularly scheduled blogging to inform you that, due to budget reductions, the City of New York has decided to turn off the heat on Mondays for the month of March. Thank you. We now return you to your blog, already in progress.

Shoot 'Em Up

I really feel that this guy has a solid defense of justifiable homicide.

Stretch Like A Cat

As I was stretching after doing my Jane Fonda low-impact aerobic workout tonight, I had a little companion. There I was lying on my mat when my cat Jane decided to join me. So we did our stretching together. Now if only she would join me in the aerobics. She weighs in at the hefty 15 1/2 lbs. My other cat, Emma, on the other hand, is an extremely svelte 9 1/2 lbs. Had I only known that my little grey kitten, Jane Eyre, was going to grow up to look like a linebacker, I would have named her L.T. instead.

Vanity Plate

Both Jane and Jay at The Daily Rant have created their own vanity plates courtesy of the Acme License Maker. Never one to ignore a trend, I have created my own. It is the quintessential New York license plate. Well, without the profanity. It is a license plate, after all.

Merde on France?

The BBC refused to air these anti-French jokes:

“What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?”
“A salesman”;

“What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?”
“There are skid marks before the hedgehog”;

“What do you call 20 French politicans face down in the English Channel?”
“A start.”

Could they have felt the jokes would upset the sensitivities of our gallant allies, the Frogs? How dumb can you get?

Posted at 06:14 PM | Comments (2)

More Silly Brit Tricks

What is the purpose of having a law that requires employers to provide lavatories for their staff but doesn't require them to let their staff use them?

Message In A Blog

Michele needs help!

Page Error

Okay, this is just too funny.

Via On The Third Hand.

Vote For The Celebrity Of Your Choice, But Vote!

Alan has put up a new poll asking the timely question Who is the most annoying anti-war celebrity? So far France is in the lead (although I feel that referring to France as a celebrity will puff up their already out-sized egos, the only reason I did not cast my vote for them), with a 3-way tie between Sean Penn, Bianca Jagger, and Susan Sarandon for second place. My only question - Where is Viggo Mortensen's name? I think he's just the most annoying anything celebrity. No, really. If I were asked to name the most annoying female celebrity, I'd say Viggo Mortensen. He's just THAT annoying.

UPDATE: I'd value shares of Viggo Mortensen at £0.00. Better yet, though, he's not even listed.

For Rent

You know, I'm putting my apartment on the market and will have to move soon. I wonder how much they want for this? Could it be actually be pricier than Manhattan real estate? It would certainly give me plenty of room for my shoes.

Top 40

Laurence Simon kindly writes Madonna's next song.

UPDATE: Laurence also points us to another web referral service, Bligz, this one focused on metadata.

Weird Search Update

A friend of mine writes me that it's dangerous to do a web search for pig vibrator. Well, yes. Probably best not to open that link at work, unless you want your coworkers to think you're some kind of inflatable pig loving pervert.

I'm Trading In My Cable Modem

After reading this.

Unlicensed Dentistry

Who the hell would even go see a dentist who worked out of the back of a 10-year-old Honda?

Turkey Bologna

Sure there are homeless people who don't have accommodations as good as this, but PETA is protesting the housing of the two turkeys given "Presidential pardons" on Thanksgiving. It's good to have priorities.

Is Bill Schmidt Crazy?

Not only do inquiring minds want to know, but apparently I am the number one source for the answer. Well, I don't know if he's crazy, but he might be a little offbeat.

We Are Not Alone

According to the Bush administration's budget document, there may be space aliens out there.

In a brief passage titled "Where Are the Real Space Aliens?" Bush's budget document released Monday says several important scientific discoveries in the past decade indicate that "habitable worlds" in outer space may be much more prevalent than once thought.

No report as to whether they plan on funding any programs to try to validate that theory or whether it is just some nice words.

This Coffee Tastes Like Crap

The world's most expensive coffee, Kopi Luwak, sells for as much as $300 per pound, primarily because its beans are very rare. As well they should be, since the bean can only be found in the droppings of a civet. Mmmm. cat shit coffee.

A Marketing High

With Britain poised to relax marijuana laws next year, a major new study has been released indicating that British pot smokers contribute £11 billion to the British economy. £5 billion is for the drug itself, and the remaining £6 billion
is spent on "companion" products, such as munchies and video games. Could word of this study be the impetus needed to at least decriminalize, if not outright legalize, pot in this country? Given the recent increase in government-sponsored anti-drug legislation, I fear not.

Groundhog Schmoundhog

Given the temperatures we have been experiencing in the Northeast, I don't think we really needed Punxsutawney Phil to tell us that there's going to be another six weeks of wintry weather. But who am I, given the state of the job market, to put a poor groundhog out of work?

Sensible Solutions For A Crazy World

Yahoo! has validated what I've known all along - Reading my blog is one of the top 5 sensible solutions for a crazy world. I know this because someone sensibly arrived at my site through such a search.

This Little Piggie Played Football

Thanks to the "meddling eurocrats," British farmers are now required by law to put a football, metal chains, straw, or hay in their pigsties to provide their livestock with "environmental enrichment." Farmers breaking the rules will face fines of up to 2,500 pounds. Thank G_d that in this world where children are starving, someone is thinking about the environmental enrichment of pigs!

yada yada yada

"What you wish you heard in the analysis of the president's speech."

Well okay, I didn't listen to most of the ordinary presidential B.S., since they all say the same thing, and it never happens. I did listen to the ten minutes on Iran, and thought it was interesting, if not informative.

And I certainly didn't listen to any analysis. But Christopher Buckley does give us some humor on our Euroweasel so-called allies:

Moderator: Fiercely Partisan Panelist, what did you think of the speech?

FPP: With all due respect to my fellow thoughtful panelists, I thought it was the greatest oration since Alcibiades's "Jeremiad Against the Spartans" during the Second Peloponnesian War. There were a number of statements that I think will resonate very strongly in European capitals. To say nothing of Baghdad.

Moderator: Such as?

FPP: Well, for one, when he said, "I'm going to open a can of whup-ass on Saddam Hussein." I suspect that may well become a defining line of Mr. Bush's presidency. Also, when he said that "The French can stay home and make cheese for all I care." A very strong statement. I think that will resonate with any American who thinks the French are frankly impossible.

Moderator: What about his remark that Germany is a nation of "sour krauts"?

FPP: Very strong. I suspect that it will occasion a good deal of soul-searching among our so-called freunden in Berlin.

Moderator: Was the president saying, in effect, "Ich nicht bin ein Berliner"?

FPP: If you will, yes.

Well, I'm one of those Americans who think the French should stuff themselves with their cheese [I won't say where.] So I wish Bush had really said that kind of stuff.

Fly Me To The Moon

I'm not sure who's dumber - the people who bought real estate on the moon from this Dutch guy or the Dutch guy for believing that he would be getting tens of thousands of orders per month. In a heartwarming (or stomach-turning) ending, Veenema said that once he gets out of jail, he intends to repay all those he swindled. Given his apparent lack of skills, he will likely have to do this by running a new con. I do know of this bridge he could buy...

No More Kicks on Route 666

Governor Bill Richardson wants to renumber New Mexico's own Highway to Hell.

"I am proud to announce my wholehearted support for the renovation of Highway 666 -- a name we are working to change," Richardson told the New Mexico legislature on Tuesday

I guess soon this will be a thing of the past:

But is it just me, or does that sign look faked? The highway received its designation in 1942 since it was the sixth major highway that branched off the famous Route 66. I guess the devil made them do it.

Another one

I love this stuff.

Misting Dunesberry.

I've Heard of Giving Someone the Shirt Off Your Back...

..but the skin? The father of Australian miner Carl Whittaker had an odd dying request - he wanted the tattoos from his back and arms removed and preserved. His son obliged him and mounted them on his wall.

Can't Touch This

A Swedish court ruled that a stripper can't deduct the cost of her breast implants from her taxes as a business expense. Although the woman claimed that the size and shape of her breasts were important to her income from stripping, the court seemed to feel that she received other dividends from the surgery. Now, perhaps under President Bush's new plan...

Perhaps we can use this in our membership drive. "The Vast Center Wing Conspiracy - Making Breast Enlargement Tax Deductible Because We Care."

Mom's gotta take up the slack

Well, this is not from Plum Crazy, but it's funny.

And here's one from me. Misting Lesley's boss.

How to Build a Perfect Man

Snowman, that is. Students and faculty of the engineering department of Bluefield State College have determined the optimal way to build a snowman. Thank G_d someone has finally worked this out. Millions of children will now promptly ignore it.

Right, Then

Misting the Metropolitan Police

Whoa, Trippy, Dude

Scrap the latest WTC replacement designs. Build this instead:

The Giant Lava Lamp

Nobody would dare mess with the bad karma that would come from destroying a massive lava lamp. Peace, man, peace.

Speaking of Obvious Studies

Do you suppose I could get the government to fund a study that says that working hideous hours is bad for your health?

The Angel of the Obvious Teaches Lesley a Lesson

Comic Blogging

All right, everyone's doing it. Yes, it's comic blogging. So rather than write a post about Lieberman's "surprise" announcement that he's going to run for President, I decided to comic blog my thoughts instead.

Mr. Lieberman Goes to Washington.

Inspiration for comic blogging via Michele.

Where's the Beef?

In the never-ending attempt to find what is too expensive for even New Yorkers to shell out for, the Old Homestead Steakhouse recently debuted a $41 hamburger made from Kobe beef. The news from the front is that we haven't found that price level yet. Having read about the burger extraordinaire this morning, I had to tell my friend, who is a hamburger aficionado. Much to my lack of surprise, he wanted to run right out and have one. So we ventured over to the Old Homestead for lunch. While we were there, at least 3 other people ordered the Kobe burger, out of a crowd of roughly 10 other people, so I imagine this burger will fare well.

The burger was definitely tasty. The meat was tender and moist. It tasted more like a finely ground steak than the typical burger. The homemade ketchup was quite nice. The horseradish sauce, not so much. I didn't try the mustard, as I only like mustard on pastrami. However, the burger was not worth $41. I wouldn't order it again at that price. It was worth it the one time, to have the experience. But we were definitely paying for the experience. Wollensky's Grill has way better burgers at the more ordinary New York nice restaurant price of $15. (Shut up, I know that's expensive too.)

This Just In

Happiness is not a warm gun. It is an equation. Thanks, but I'll take the warm gun.

Why It Pays to Speak Clearly

The Danish anti-terrorism squad (which is what, 10 fishermen armed with Lego guns?) raided the home of a Danish family after neighbors reported that the family had been taken hostage. Seems the family's answering machine had a joke message saying "We have been taken hostage by two children. Hurry. Help us after the beep. Now!" Neighbors hearing the message thought it said "We have been taken hostage WITH two children." Because, of course, hostage takers allow people to change their answering machine greetings to leave warnings or if a hostage was able to sneak a cell phone call the first thing he/she would do is call their answering machine.

"The Return of the King" Protest

I was reading Laurence Simon's Amish Tech Support, when I caught sight of this website: The Return of the King Protest. They are protesting the third installment of the LOTR trilogy being named "The Return of the King."

The Return of the King Protest Organization ( www.theofficersclub.com/rotkpo ) is made up of a group of like minded individuals who were greatly affected by the death of Elvis Presley, The King. The owner of this website considers himself to be a facilitator for the sentiments which have already been expressed by people all over the world who were so deeply affected by the loss of ol' swivel hips.

I don't typically get into this, because I don't believe that the great impact Elvis Presley’s death had on me gives me any more standing to comment on it than anyone else. We were all affected by it. However, as this group has used it presumably as giving them greater authority to speak on the issue of sensitivity, I believe it is fair of me to use it in critique.

I loved Elvis Presley. As a child, I cried when my mother told me that when Elvis crooned “Oh let me be your teddy bear,” he wasn’t making the offer to me and that I was too young to understand what he really meant anyway. I used to listen to his records over and over. I slept with a framed picture of him near my pillow. When, on that fateful day in August 1977, the news reported that Elvis had died I was devastated. I refused to eat or sleep for days, staring in mute shock at my framed picture, putting flowers around it, lighting candles to it, all the while playing Elvis’ Greatest Hits until my father confiscated my record. I think it’s fair to say that I was “deeply affected by the loss of ol’ swivel hips.”

Nevertheless, I cannot agree with them that "The Return of the King" should be renamed. I cannot agree with them when they say "We believe that Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema's actions are in fact hate speech. … The movie is intentionally being named The Return of the King in order to capitalize on the death of Elvis Presley. Clearly, you cannot deny the fact that this falls under hate speech." In fact, that accusation is demonstrably false. You see, I figured something out after coming out of the shock I felt upon hearing reports of Elvis’ death which proves this untrue. This movie cannot be capitalizing on the death of Elvis, because Elvis is not dead! He is merely in hiding, waiting for the right time to resurface publicly. He’s been tantalizing us by letting a lucky few catch glimpses of him in malls in Ohio, preparing us for his imminent return. Don’t they get it? The movie is named “The Return of the King” because it heralds his triumphant reappearance. That’s right. The King shall, indeed, return!

NOTE: For those who may be confused, this is a parody. The Return of the King Protest is a parody of The Two Towers Protest (which may itself be a joke; no one's sure), and this entry is a parody of myself. In fact, I do not believe that Elvis is still alive, and was not and am not a big Elvis fan. I have never bought any of his recordings and don't own any now. I did go to Graceland once, but that was because I was in Memphis in business and, well, how can you be in Memphis and not visit Graceland?

How Not to Commit a Crime

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas (Reuters) -- An Arkansas man was arrested after police followed a trail of evidence from a bungled bank heist -- discarded wrappers from candy he allegedly stole and ate as he made his getaway, police said on Saturday.

First - Do not leave a trail for the police to follow. Besides, didn't your mother ever teach you not to litter? It's not polite.

"It's a classic," said Patrolman Jerry Lung of the Marked Tree police department, who arrested Michael Brown, 33. Marked Tree is a small community about 135 miles northeast of Little Rock.

Brown allegedly smashed the glass door of a bank in the community, and then looked directly at the bank's security cameras, Lung said. He also triggered an alarm.

Second - Do not look directly into a security camera without wearing a mask. People can recognize you.

Third - Figure out where the alarms are before you break in and do not trigger them. Big sound make people curious, call police.

When Brown found that all the money had been stashed away because the bank was closed, he allegedly stole a clock radio and fistfuls of candy, police said.

As he left the facility, he ate the candy and left a trail of wrappers that led to his home in a nearby trailer park.

Brown was arraigned on Friday on robbery and other charges and remains in jail pending trial. Bail was set at $25,000.

"It was almost like he wanted to be caught," Lung said Saturday.

The candy allegedly stolen from the bank was "Dum Dums," the police officer said.

How fitting.

The Complete Works of The Two Towers (Abridged)

One extremely funny parody of "The Two Towers". An excerpt:

EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP

LEGOLAS: Wargs!

LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.

GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?

LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.

ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.

GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!

ARAGORN falls off cliff.

LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!

You must read the whole thing. Very funny. Link via Asymmetrical Information.

What If...

Laurence Simon suggested a little "Let's Pretend" scenario regarding the news story about Senator Frist stopping to aid accident victims in Florida. The game was to rewrite the story as though a different Senator were involved. I thought it would be fun to lampoon one of my two least favorite Senators, New York's own Chuck Schumer.¹

An Isuzu Rodeo with six people aboard was heading west on Alligator Alley when it rolled over 3 to 4 miles west of the toll plaza in Broward County at 3:51 p.m., Broward Fire-Rescue Assistant Chief Todd Leduc said.

All six, including three children, were thrown out as the vehicle rolled. A 10-year-old boy died on the scene; another passenger died later at a hospital.

Authorities working to save lives at the scene were shocked when a man suddenly appeared, trailed by dozens of news cameras, and started lecturing on the dangers of SUVs in a thick New York accent. “It is a known fact that SUVs cause deadly harm to others. Their kill rate, with five lives taken for every one saved, makes them dangerous weapons that should be restricted. I plan to introduce a bill calling for SUV control this session. Highway patrol officers support this concept and consider it a very important life-saving tool.”

At first no one seemed to recognize the man, which appeared to upset him greatly. Once someone pointed out that the only lawmaker who was that much of a publicity hog was New York Senator Chuck Schumer, he calmed down, muttering to himself “I hope the lighting won’t make me look bad on television.”

¹My other least favorite Senator is the carpetbagger herself, but Laurence already took a crack at her.

Giving New Meaning to the Term "My Grandmother's Ring"

A family in Canada will soon be sporting a jewel made from a dead relative. The family had Grandma's cremated remains made into a synthetic diamond through a process using intense heat. The diamond will be placed in a gold ring. "Hey, you got to wear Grandma yesterday! It's my turn today."

In other bizarre Canadian death rituals, a Toronto company will create a painting including the cremated remains of your loved one. If only Andy Warhol had been cremated, one could literally fulfill the words of the David Bowie song "Andy Warhol looks a scream. Hang him on my wall." In a way, I imagine Warhol might have actually appreciated that. He would have been truly immortalized by art.

Jack Ass Sues Viacom

A man who legally changed his name to "Jack Ass" is suing Viacom for defamation of character over the MTV program, "Jackass". The former Bob Craft changed his name in 1997 to draw attention to the dangers of drunk driving. I know that when I think of the word "jackass" I immediately think about drunk driving.

He is suing Viacom because he claims it is "liable for injury to my reputation that I have built and defamation of my character which I have worked so hard to create." Hands up, all of us who have heard of this guy and the character he has "worked so hard to create" before. Nobody? I don't think he worked hard enough.

And what of this "reputation" he has built? He changed his name to "Jack Ass." Most people don't associate positive things with that term. When people refer to others by it, they are not being complimentary and nice. I'm sorry for the guy, who did this after his brother and friend were killed when their car crashed, but he changed his name to a common insult. The rest of us better watch out and not insult people using that phrase again. We might get sued.

More Divination Services

The Guardian has a collection of predictions for 2003 from around the Web. A few samples:

One astrology site predicts "'war-like things and policies' will allow many to make money." Wow, how did they come up with that?

A psychic predicts that Bruce Springsteen will lead a political revolt against GWB and win political office, should he agree to run. Well, I guess his nickname would be really fitting then.

Another psychic has a real shocker: J Lo will marry Ben Affleck! Man, these people really go out on a limb. It's not like they're engaged or anything. She also predicts that Pamela Anderson Lee will die in a car crash. If this happens, Jane Finch will clean up big in the Amish Tech Support Dead Pool. I note that the psychic who predicted this was Canadian too. Hmmm...

Bureaucracy - The Irreducible Minimum

The US State Department is considering how to deal with the possibility of an American citizen seeking a passport for a new-born clone. Among issues of concern is how to deal with a case where the child and the woman who gave birth to it are not genetically related.

From the same article, the FDA states that it would be illegal to plant a cloned embryo in a woman without its approval. There's a level of comfort and absurdity in knowing that no matter how bizarre or great the circumstance, some bureaucrat somewhere will be trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Let Them Eat British

Prince Charles is under fire yet again, this time for urging local government, armed forces, schools, and universities to buy British food after he had signed a deal to replace several British Vauxhalls with German-manufactured Audis. The beleaguered royal has been accused of hypocrisy. So far no one has accused him of trying to make people ill.

Cookie Monster

Me want cookie!

An Ann Arbor woman was arrested for attacking a cookie-stand clerk after being told the stand was out of the cookie she wanted. No reports whether or not the woman was dressed in a large blue shag coat.

Hatfields and McCoys Feuding Again

Gather up yer shotguns, Paw, we'se a-feudin' agin. Them Hatfields won't let folks inta the cemetery to see our young kin what they killed.

Yes, the Hatfields and McCoys are fighting again, although this time in court. The lawsuit is over cemetery access rights. The McCoys want to open up to tourists a cemetery where three young boys killed by the Hatfields are buried. The Hatfield descendants, whose property the cemetery is on, want it left private. It remains to be seen if this feud will continue for years or be settled quickly. Given the speed of our court system, it's anyone's guess.

Ann So Funny, She Make Me Laugh

< sarcasm >Ann Coulter, call your office. Apparently some parts of Christian history can be sanitized and forgotten. Earlier this week, President George Bush issued a formal White House message celebrating Christmas.

Sounding like an Ann Coulter send-up, Bush praised the true spirit of Christmas as reflecting "a dedication to helping those in need, to giving hope to those in despair, and to spreading peace and understanding throughout the Earth."

It is a fact that Pope Julius I, in the fourth century, arbitrarily chose December 25 as the birthdate for Jesus, despite New Testament evidence that Jesus was born in the spring. It is commonly believed he did so to coincide with the Roman pagan festival of Saturnalia. The Catholic church coopted further pagan rituals such as the Christmas tree (from the German Tannenbaum) and the Yule log (from Scandinavia). The reason they did so was to make it easier to gain converts to their religion and to ensure adoption of the new holiday.

The celebration of Christmas was highly controversial throughout much of history. Oliver Cromwell, when he came to power in England, outlawed the holiday as part of a campaign to rid England of decadence. The Puritans who settled the northern colonies agreed with Cromwell, and the celebration of Christmas was banned in Boston from 1659 to 1681 (apparently banning things in Boston enjoys a long history). After the American Revolution, English customs, like Christmas celebrations, were in disfavor and Christmas was mostly ignored. In fact, Congress was in session on December 25, 1789. It was not until 1870 that Christmas became a federal holiday.

Now the holiday concocted as a dupe and to gain converts and ignored by the founding fathers is honored in a presidential message.< /sarcasm >

The above was brought to you in mockery of Ann Coulter's latest column deriding Kwanzaa. Honestly, who cares now how the holiday came into being? The point is that if enough people now believe that the holiday promotes mutual understanding, it will do so, the same way Christmas generates good will and feelings. Given enough time, the origins of nearly anything can be shrouded if good things emanate from it.

But Officer, It Tasted Like Chicken

Three Kenyan schoolboys were arrested for eating a cat they thought had stolen their chickens. Unfortunately they probably don't have Chinese restaurants in their village. Would have saved them all that trouble.

Weird Web Searches

WTF?

Barbie's Ho House

Now we know why Mattel was so upset about the S&M Barbie. It wasn't because it was demeaning to their trademark. It's competition for their new line - Lingerie Barbie.

But this Barbie doll isn't for all little girls. Only those 14 and up. Yeah, I bet my Mom, the hippie, would have bought me a Lingerie Barbie when I was 14. Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.

Tip via The Daily Rant.

Bobby Fuller Four Wrong

According to a Google Fight, "I" fought "The Law," and "The Law" didn't win.

Wisconsin Baby Jesus Returned

To the best of my knowledge, the Baby Jesus stolen in New Jersey is still being held captive. However, another Baby Jesus, this one stolen from a church nativity scene in Wisconsin, has been safely returned. I'd thank G_d, but some of my readers might find that redundant.

Nice Jewish Girl Knows Her Christmas Carols

I took the How Well Do You Know Your Christmas Carols quiz over at the Guardian, and here's my result:

You scored 10 out of a possible 12 Mary mother of God You were there weren't you? That or you've cheated. You get to sing the descant part in O Come All Ye Faithful for your pains.

Well, I didn't cheat. And I wasn't there. So, the explanation must be that I've heard them so damn many times growing up in this country. Nay, not just this country, New York! Over and over and over, from right after Thanksgiving. Aaaack!

When Art Projects Go Bad

Has this kid been paying attention to anything that's been going on in New York for the last 15 months? Did the number of times subway stations were closed due to suspicious-looking paper bags not impinge itself on his consciousness? Am I giving him too much credit for assuming he has a consciousness that could be impinged on? You decide.

A student at the School of Visual Arts placed 37 boxes with the word FEAR painted on them in the busy Union Square subway station, leading the police to close down the station for 6 hours while the bomb squad checked them out. When asked why he did that, he told police it was part of an art project for a class. He reportedly received an "A" for the semester in the class. His teacher said that he didn't mean to scare anybody, so she doesn't hold it against him. Don't they flunk people for stupidity any more?

Violent Crimes Against Lawn Ornaments on the Rise

First somebody in Trenton kidnapped the Baby Jesus and asked for an $800 ransom. Now someone in Canada has kidnapped Santa! This was not the first time these criminals have struck. The ransom note asks for the owner to collect canned goods for a local food bank. The owner, hoping for the safe return of plastic Santa, is going to comply with the request. Tsk, tsk, tsk, law enforcement officials always say it's better to go to the police then to deal with the kidnappers yourself.

Adel Says

We recently noticed that a couple of other people have arrived here at Plum Crazy by searching for an Adel al-Jubeir fan page. That makes four. Those steeped in the wisdom of Arlo Guthrie will understand that if four people…four people…arrive at a site via web searches for Adel al-Jubeir fan pages, that is a movement. And that’s what this is – the Adel al-Jubeir Fan Page Movement. We’d sing it in four-part harmony, but our voices aren’t that good and you couldn’t hear us anyway. So in the tradition of fine mediocre satire, we present the first installment of a new regular¹ feature – Adel Says.

¹Regular is defined as whenever the mood strikes us or we can’t think of anything else to blog about and need some shameless filler.

Disclaimer: This is a spoof. It’s fiction. It in no way depicts the real Adel al-Jubeir or his opinions. We’re sure he’s a really swell guy; one we’d be happy to invite over to play with our cats. Our only request would be that he comes dressed as a veterinarian, a quite reasonable and minor request, really. We only ask because he’d get a much more enthusiastic response from our cats that way. See, we’re only looking out for his best interests, because that’s just the kind of people we are.

Adel Says

Ima Phreaque writes:

Dear Adel,

First I want to tell you that you’re really dreamy. You can drill my oil well any day.

My question for you is this: I’m invited to a terrorist fundraiser charity function and don’t know what to wear. What kind of attire would most attract a hottie like you?

Dear Ima,

Thank you for your letter. I love hearing from my fans. It’s people like you that make my life as a Saudi shill official so enjoyable. Well, people like you and the bribes expediting payments.

To answer your question – Of course, you will have to wear an abaya, because if you don’t the mutaween will get all jihad on your asp. A shame, really, because you go to a party, think you’ve met a real honey, but once you get her back to the palace, it turns out she is shaped like your Uncle Abdul’s favorite camel. But I digress. One thing that has always driven me wild is a woman who knows how to accessorize her abaya. You may wish to consider one of the hottest new accessories – the loose faux bomb belt. A pretty face and a faux bomb belt on an abaya is sure to get you lots of attention from the attendees.

Best Wishes,

Adel

If you’d like us to make up responses to your questions, send us an e-mail.

Other Ways to Violate Noise Regulations

Most clubs get shut down for playing music too loud. Not this one.

Caraoke

First was the car radio. Then the eight-track tape machine (shut up, I'm not dating myself). Then the cassette deck. Then the CD player. And now? It's car karaoke!

Pizza!

Perhaps James Lileks would like this.

It Isn't Easy Being Green

Somebody, quick, call PETA. Isn't a bad dye job abusive?

That's Okay, I Prefer Roasted Chess Pieces Anyway

Beijing tourism officials will be cracking down on mangled English on menus and signs. So no more "fried pawn" or "bean turd" for you connossieurs.

Contest!

It's the Find a Nickname for Mayor Bloomberg Contest! Yes, Mayor Bloomberg has been making such an ass of himself, that I think we need a good nickname for him. Details of Bloomberg's idiocy:

1. Suggesting that people pick up strangers in order to meet the 4 person per vehicle minimum in case of a transit strike. When asked whether this might be dangerous, Mad Mike basically said that it wouldn't be so bad, because traffic would be slow-moving. Yeah, Mike, whatever you say.

2. No more turning onto or off of major avenues except for designated Thru streets weekdays from 10 am to 6 pm. Well, Mikey thinks that it's not his job to be popular, but to do the right thing. Okay, Mikey, prove it. Ban deliveries during rush hours instead. That would do some good. This policy hasn't helped a damn thing.

3. Boycotting the Columbus Day Parade because they wouldn't let stars from the Sopranos march at the head of it with him. Yeah, sticking up for the glory marching rights of a few actors is more important than officiating at a major parade for the city that elected you. Must be more of that not being popular thing.

Those are just a few examples. So help me come up with a nickname for Mike Bloomberg that fits.

The Bangings Family

A conversation with my friend has restored my good humor. He called me up and said "Tall." To which I promptly replied "Dark," showing where my stream of consciousness leads (next would have been "And handsome" for those who don't pick up on it).

Then he told me he was watching the extended version of LOTR on DVD, and was thinking "Tall" because it had just gotten to the scene where Gandalf walks in with (his words) "Bimbo." That set me off on a gale of laughter, which he promptly joined. As we were laughing hysterically, he tried to correct the mistake, and said "Bilbo Bangings." When I repeated it back, he thought I said "Dildo" instead of "Bilbo," so we were off on a tangent of the Bangings family - Bilbo, wife Bimbo, and son Dildo.

BTW, I watched the extended version of LOTR earlier - Loved it. Most of the additional footage set up the story for the next two movies. Speaking of which, I have tickets to the first show on Wednesday a.m. Barring a transit strike, I will be on vacation from Wednesday until January 2nd. If there is a transit strike, well, I will start my vacation two days early. Even taking off from Wednesday through the end of the year, I have 5 days I'm carrying forward.

However, this entire cult fascination with Figwit eludes me. Yeah, he's cute. But give me Elrond or Legolas or Boromir any day. Actually, all three.

If Xmas Were a Jewish Holiday...

This is why I love the blogosphere so much. Blog-hopping can turn up the funniest damn things. I was reading the comments over at Alas, a Blog, which lead me to Pen-Elayne on the Web, which lead me to Hilchos Xmas. Hilchos Xmas informs of us what the halakha for Xmas would be, had it been a Jewish holiday instead. A sample:

2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE; IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT FOR GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS TREE, SOME AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN TREE IS NOT VALID FOR THE MITZVAH.⁹ FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO CHOP HIS OWN TREE HIMSELF.¹⁰

⁹ One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission from the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own backyard. A tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park (which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as stolen and invalid.
¹⁰ One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase it from a reputable dealer, or one who is certified by a national kashrus organization

Go read the rest.

'Tis the Season for a Hot Dolly

Baby Jesus kidnapped! Ransom note asks for $800 for $69 plastic lawn ornament.

In related news, the kidnapped menorah was returned by the drunk frat boys who took it. I'm waiting to hear the fraternity was suspended for its lack of sensitivity.

I've Heard of Climbing the Corporate Ladder...

...but the corporate pole? A performance artist in San Francisco performed an hour-long pole dance dressed in corporate attire.

The hourlong performance was intended as street theater, a gently surreal critique of Western consumer culture. It had to do with the commodification of stocks and bonds, art and the female body, explained the artist when she was finished.

However, in a display of the blase attitudes most city-dwellers affect about things like this, one of the loudest receptions of passers-by during the lunch rush was not for her performance, but for a guy who stuck a purple hand puppet out a window and waved. Where'd I put my purple socks again?

Just for Jane

Sports Jesus!

Via Hit and Run.

Must We TV?

I suppose that we're in no position to scoff, having series like MTV's "Jackass." But this new series from Britian's Channel 4 just raises the question - Why? "The People's Book of Records" will show contestants competing for the world's records in things like "How many times a dog can lick a person's butt" and "How many times can someone bang a sausage on a table during the time it takes a man to get his penis pierced."

Speaking of Voyeurism

My cat, Jane, has this ritual. Every time I take a shower, she plants herself between the shower curtain and the plastic liner and watches me. Emma, like any sensible cat, stays much further away from the evil water and waits out on the bath mat until I'm done. But Jane? Noooo, she has to be right there, even if her tail gets wet. Weird damn cat.

Will They Be Sucking Lollipops Too?

We've all heard of the Kodiak bear, but the Kojak bear? Who loves ya, baby!

Rudolph the Purple-DNAed Reindeer

Still searching for that perfect Christmas gift? Just don't know what to get for the person who has everything? Why not give them Finnish reindeer DNA in a lovely vial capped with silver antlers?

Rants 'R Him

Solly Ezekiel, the Gedankenpundit, has written an automated Islamist extremist rant generator.

A Real Snow Job

A Gambian man visiting Germany called the local police to report that his car had been vandalized. Seems the man, who was not used to winter, mistook snow for white paint.

Absolute Proof Nicotine is Highly Addictive

Most European smokers would find it easier to give up sex for a month than cigarettes.

Case closed.

I Don't Think Pat Would Approve...

In one of those bizarre technological quirks that just restore my faith in the grand absurdity of life, the automated promotion technology at Amazon.com recommended a sex manual to someone who had purchased Pat Robertson's "Six Steps to Spiritual Revival." The link appeared under the "Customers who shopped for this item also shopped for these items" heading. I just wonder what the person who purchased both was thinking. Then again, maybe I really don't want to know.

Via The World Wide Rant.

Marbleheads

The discovery would have been the stuff archaeological careers were made on - The Elgin Marbles were not Greek, but were actually the work of a British sculptor named Phil Davies. Davies, son of a donkey breeder from Devon, had changed his name to Pheidias to get in good with the Athenian elite. The proof of this discovery? The archaeologist had uncovered a terracotta cup with the inscription "My name was Phil Davies, but I changed it to Pheidias." The British, upon learning the truth, had stamped the words "Made in England" in large red letters on the Parthenon frieze housed in the British Museum. They were also calling for the Greeks to turn over the rest of the Parthenon, and had plans to convert it into a shopping and theater complex. Oh, yes, it would have made the career of the archaeologist who discovered it. Except that there was no such archaeologist and the entire story was a spoof written by the founder of art satire site artnose.

But the story gets much better. As a spoof, it is mildly amusing. However, truth is stranger than fiction. Respected Belgian newspaper, De Morgen, published an actual article announcing the shocking discovery.

Ozzy Osbourne Bigger than Jesus

Well, at least his bobble head doll is more popular than Jesus' according to the current best seller list at Bobble Head World. For those of you still shopping for Christmas gifts, you'll be glad to know that there are still Bobble Head Jesus dolls available. Unfortunately, though, the giant, life-sized Bobble Head Jesus is still not finished and Football Jesus is sold out. What would Jesus do? Start his Christmas shopping a little earlier next year! Slackers.

More Budget Haiku¹

Finish your budget
The meeting is on Friday
Why is headcount up

¹In case anyone ever wondered what effect working long hours on budgets has on the mind, now you know. It isn't pretty.

Sheep Better Poets Than Cows

Random cow poetry has some competition - random sheep poetry. A writer in England was given a grant of €2,000 to paint words on the sides of sheep and let them wander around forming random poetry. One example of the sheep's work:

Warm drift, graze gentle, White below the sky, Soft sheep, mirrors, Snow clouds.

Definitely an improvement over the bovine poets' work.

Budget Haiku

Expenses increase
What's my allocation
I want more for less

The Five Days of Budget Week¹

On the first day of budget week, the CFO made me do a FYCOMP plus a Current Year Est.

On the second day of budget week, the CFO made me do two variance schedules and a FYCOMP plus a Current Year Est.

On the third day of budget week, the CFO made me do three restatements, two variance schedules, and a FYCOMP plus a Current Year Est.

On the fourth day of budget week, the CFO made me do four salary worksheets, three restatements, two variance schedules, and a FYCOMP plus a Current Year Est.

On the fifth day of budget week, the CFO made me do a $10 million cut, four salary worksheets, three restatements, two variance schedules, and a FYCOMP plus a Current Year Est.

Yes, Budget's Inferno - Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

¹It's a business week.

Bovine Poetry

Ever wonder what type of poetry cows would write if they could? Neither have I. But student Nathan Banks painted words on the sides of cows and let them wander around to create poetry. A sampling of the cows' efforts:

"eccentric art"

"performance as cow environment"

"organic conceptual art as poetry"

I think the cows should stick to giving milk. Although perhaps they have a career writing judicial opinions.

DJ Jazzy Judge Eakin Is In Da Court!

"A groom must expect matrimonial pandemonium when his spouse finds he's given her a cubic zirconium instead of a diamond in her engagement band, the one he said was worth twenty-one grand."

So reads part of an opinion written by Pennsylvania Supreme Court Justice J. Michael Eakin. Two of his fellow justices, though, felt his style reflected poorly on the court. Personally, I think they're right. Clearly a State Supreme Court opinion should be written in iambic pentameter.

UPDATE: Mayhap the justice should have written his opinion so:

When takes a man a maid to be his wife; And yet a ring does give her that is faux; Can he expecteth anything but strife? Dare he think that he shall not face woe? For women it is known do value jewels; Consider them as proof of men's true love; If given paste, will feel as though they're fools; And vengeance call to rain from up above. For wedded bliss to come, do never lie; But give thy love a ring of proper size; Trusting then that she shall not sit and sigh; Or leave you to your wherefores and your whys. So if you do not wish to face divorce; Give not just ring, but also proof of source.

My Brain Hurts!

Barbie^TM has a blog. Please, make the pain stop!

Via Gizmodo.

Today in the Referrer Logs

I am honored and amused beyond belief that my blog shows up as #21 in a search for "s & m, bondage" on a Canadian portal, Alberta.com

UPDATE: Well, apparently, sometimes it shows up as #20, so if you don't see it at #21, go to 11-20 and check there.

UPDATE II: According to the referrer log, I come up as the #2 site on a Yahoo search for "iraq rubber dungeon inspector."

Tie Me Up, Scotty

A German retailer of sex merchandise recently opened some shops geared specifically towards women, rather than the usual male clientele. After being open one day, the shops had sold out of handcuffs.

Nods to Justin and Mom for telling me about this story.

Delink-wency

In an event of blog-shaking proportions, Cinderella Bloggerfeller has announced that he will delink from any site that permalinks to the Axis of Porcel. At least he will, once he can work up the energy.

Cinderella has been mercilessly attacked by those demanding free speech rights for languagebots. Or by at least one blogger. The founding fathers did not intend for the Constitution to apply to languagebots. If we cave in to such ludicrous demands, the next step will be calls for free speech rights for the likes of Larousse's French-English/English-French dictionary. We cannot allow such an abomination to come to pass. I urge you all to support Cinderella in his principled stand.

Via On the Third Hand.

Giving a Whole New Meaning to Stuffed Animal

Pssst, hey you. Wanna buy a museum, real cheap? Have we got a deal for you. A Victorian-era taxidermy museum is up for sale. Yes, you can now be the proud owner of dead, stuffed tea-drinking kittens and cricketing guinea pigs. But you need to act fast. There have been several expressions of interest from America. Apparently this is too weird for the Brits to want to keep. What does that tell you?

You Say It's Your Birthday

Actually, I don't say it's my birthday, but I do say it's my Mom's birthday. So, wish her a Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Camilla Parker Bowles is a Cow

No, really. A recent survey of British farmers shows that they have taken to naming their cows after famous people. Traditional names such as "Daisy" and "Marigold," while still popular, are being replaced by celebrity names, such as "Posh" (after Posh Spice), "Kylie," and, indeed, "Camilla." Being called a cow in Britain has suddenly taken on new meaning.

Hunk-a, Hunk-a Burning Laptop

Why you shouldn't work with a laptop on your lap for extended periods of time.

I Am New York

I know what you're thinking. Too bad.

Congratulations, you're New York City, the Big Apple.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

Overwhelming to visitors, this bustling city can seem hard and imposing. With so much going on, there is an axiom that if you visit NY for a day you will see most of what you want; for a week, some of what you want; and if you live there, you will see none of it. It is a city made by people, changed in some small way by everyone who passes through it. Despite what anyone may have ever said about it, New York has shown a tremendous spirit. At their heart, New Yorkers are symbolic of the American Spirit, and have become the poster children for defiance in the face of adversity.

A New Form of Discrimination

We all know about racism and sexism. We're aware of antisemitism and even ageism. But how sensitive are you to beardism? The Beard Liberation Front informs us that a Labour Party strategist advised London mayoral candidate, Frank Dobson, to shave off his beard if he wanted to win. He ignored them and lost. Furthermore, in the United States, bearded politicians poll 5% less than their clean-shaven counterparts.

How long can we sit back and allow this discrimination to pass unchallenged? Do the right thing. Stand up for our bearded brethren. Boycott Harry Potter and its beardist use of false facial fur. Or, at the very least, boo and hiss when you see the fake beards on the screen. Also be sure to boo and hiss all those faux Santas on the street too. No doubt it will go over very well.

Hu's on First

Trek on over to Amish Tech Support to read an amusing parody on the old Abbott and Costello routine.

Brit Sex Survey

No, it's not an oxymoron. According to a survey of 2,500 Brits, 23% of British men have faked orgasm (these may be the same ones enjoying Peeball), compared to 56% of British women. The survey also points out that about half of the participants admit to enjoying threesomes. The other half were women.

This Just In*...

Knicks and Rangers still suck. Giants don't. Extra kudos for beating the hated Redskins.

*Okay, not really, but I've been busy this weekend.

Peeing for Prostate Cancer

Really, I think that Peeball speaks for itself.

St. Mickey of Malta

I've always suspected that Walt Disney was more than just a mere cartoonist and entertainment-park proprietor. Here's the proof - Mickey Mouse has been found on a 700-year-old fresco on an Austrian church. Sure, they say it's only a striking resemblance. But we know better...

Las Vegas Elvis Impersonators Union

Good news for all you Elvis impersonators out there, and you know who you are. Which is good, because I don't think the rest of us want to know who you are. But if you get a gig in Las Vegas, your rate is now $650 per daily appearance, up from $350. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Fear Me, I Am Really Ominous

Yes, more stupid little online quizzes. Shut up.

Let's Hide Here!

Two thieves tried to escape from police by hiding in the Australian Prime Minister's residence. This was their second choice. Much to their chagrin, the local police station wasn't close enough.

Thank G_d I'm a City Girl!

City beats country in sperm count study.

Movin' On Up

Apparently my importance in the world has increased lately. I just received an e-mail from none other than Mariam Abacha, widow of Nigerian dictator Sanni Abacha. Usually I only get pestered by his lawyers and nephews. But now a personal request from his widow that I can trash. I'm so honored. (Yes, I know it's a scam.)

Frustrated World to Steve Case - You've Got Mail!

Sick of getting deluged with AOL CDs? Feeling like your desire to turn useless items into household treasures has disappeared since Martha was accused of insider-trading? Already have enough coasters anyway? A couple of enterprising guys in California have started a project to help us - No More AOL CDs.com. Send them your AOL CDs. They will collect them, and once they reach 1 million will have them transported and dumped back on AOL!

In a touching gesture of global cooperation, they have affiliates in Australia, France, Germany, and the UK helping them out. Who knows? Barring all else, perhaps a dislike for AOL can unite the world.

When the Moon is in the Seventh House...

...make a pitch to your hottest prospect. At least that's the type of advice a new consulting firm, Jupiter Returns, is hoping to sell to businesspeople. Merging astrology with business. I wonder if their chart predicts failure?

Dictator or Sitcom Character?

I told you I was a sucker for stupid little online quizzes. Today's comes via Juan Gato's Bucket o' Rants. It's "Guess the Dictator or Sitcom Character." I often find it hard to differentiate between dictators and sitcom characters too. Mr. Belevedere, Josef Stalin, much of a muchness.

Oh yeah. He guessed I was Elaine from Seinfeld. Sigh. He's probably close. Except I can dance.

Laugh of the day

From a page full of recent quotes on the Israel-Palestinian situation:
(Scroll 1/3 down the page.)

"Everyone should get together and try to solve this issue and not make a political issue of it, but treat it as an engineering problem."

British archaeologist Shimon Gibson.

I always thought it was really a religious problem. And, sadly enough, the rest of the quotes are about what you'd expect; here's another exchange:

"The territories are the largest detention camp in the world, with 3.5 million people inside its boundaries."

British Ambassador Sherard Cowper-Coles, in a meeting with Maj.-Gen. Amos Gilad, coordinator of government activities in the terretories, as reported by Ma’ariv on October 14.

"The ambassador has forgotten that the British Mandate is over."

A senior Israeli Foreign Ministry source, commenting on Cowper-Coles’s remark.

Where's Sigourney Weaver When You Need Her?

Alien Fish May Invade Great Lakes! Is Canada next? Many thanks to the War Liberal for bringing this headline to my attention.

Every Sperm is Profitable

Those wacky Romanians have come up with a novel way to pay off debt. This puts a whole new meaning to the term sperm bank.

Which Founding Father Are You?

Okay, so I'm kind of a sucker for these stupid little online quizzes.

Which Founding Father Are You?

I must confess, though, that this is rather accurate.

Pop Goes the Toilet

In an effort to stop drunken Brits from urinating on London streets, the Westminster city council has introduced a plan for the "Urilift", a toilet that rises from the pavement at night and sinks back down during the day. What else can you say about this?

Your Mother Was Wrong!

There's not plenty of other fish in the sea.