Plum Crazy

Friday Passover Treat!

I'm wasting away in Manischewitzville! Perfect for this time of year.

Via a long-time reader.

We're In Ur Country, Taking Ur Advantageous Financial Schemes

Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein.

Awesome.

Via Balloon Juice

The Real Reason GWB Promised Us A Moon Base

Because we have to fight the Mooninites there so we won't have to fight them here!

Seriously, Bostonians - WTF? Are you that sad? "ZOMG, the terrorists are attacking with neon signs of cartoon characters!" Somehow the signs haven't managed to freak anybody out in any of the other large cities they've appeared in.

Last link via Pandagon.

UPDATE: It occurs to me that several of my readers will not know what Mooninites are, other than obviously cartoon characters. They're recurring characters on Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a cartoon about a talking box of french fries, a talking milkshake, and a talking meatball. Although, come to think of it, that Frylock is one scary bastard...

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

To get a ticket.

Who the hell gives tickets to chickens?

Finish What You Started

Received in my e-mail this morning.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

Eliot Spitzer Vows to "Clean Up Universe"

Spitzer Space Telescope Eyes the Infrared Universe

Eliot Spitzer announced, today, that he was opening an inquiry into the amount of dust in the universe. "New Yorkers live in the universe. Therefore, we consider it within the venue of the New York State Attorney General's office to investigate the amount of dust in the universe and the adverse impact it has on the health of New Yorkers. We hope the universe will cooperate with my office in reaching a reasonable settlement." When asked if he would consider filing a lawsuit if an amicable settlement could not be reached, Spitzer replied "We're not ruling out any options at this time."

The universe was unavailable for comment.

Reason #101345 Why Bill Gates Is the Richest Man in the World

Because he doesn't write snarky comments on blogs.

Have A Hemingway Christmas

When I was in college, we used to joke that to write like Hemingway, you just had to write a sentence and then remove all the adjectives. Instead of saying "There was a little red house on the corner," you would say "There was a house." Those familiar with Hemingway's style will find this James Thurber parody of a Hemingway version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" funny.

Via Let's Try Freedom by way of Skippy

The Legion of Accounting

After sharing the fabby UGO Hero Machine with my staff, we decided to create superhero characters for each of us. Well, I created them all. So then I figured that if we were a team, we needed a name. So, without further adieu, the Legion of Accounting, here to save you from poor financial controls!

The leader of the Legion of Accounting - Finance Girl

The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-systems-accessing Hanman

The man charged with keeping telecom groups in check - Captain Network

Don't try to sneak anything past the Controller

Watch out for the Legion of Accounting. We'll Sarbanes your Oxley.

Separated At Birth?

My brother, who can post on the blog but can't FTP things up to the server, asks the following question:

Is it me or does Giambi - aside from looking downright scary in the
attached photo - bear a striking resemblance to Wolverine?

Compare and contrast.

The answer is obvious.

No! It's an insult to that fine-looking man, Hugh Jackman, to even suggest such a thing! Yes, Giambi has some weird hair thing going on and is affecting a snarl. But there is no striking resemblance to that man among men, Hugh Jackman!

Finance Girl To The Rescue!

Faster than an HP-12 calculator!
More powerful than an Excel spreadsheet!
Ready to crunch large numbers in a single minute!

Look, up in the office building. Is it an accountant? Is it an insurance adjuster? Is it a tax auditor?

No, it's Finance Girl!

Inspired by Michele, UGO, and the folks at the office who nicknamed me Finance Girl.

Belated Thanksgiving Joke

Forwarded to me by my father.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued:

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Dull and Humorless

The next time someone refers to the left as dull and humorless, they must be pointed towards some of the responses to Jim Treacher's piece in today's "Opinion Journal". It's a very funny satirical piece entitled "No More Years: Ten reasons I'm not voting for you, Mr. George W. Bush". Some highlights (italics mine):

10. Do you really think it's a good idea to be Hitler, George? Hitler killed millions of people and his approval ratings are in the toilet. Why can't you be somebody people like? Regis, maybe, or the Prophet Mohammed. Anybody but Hitler! Being Hitler = BAD IDEA.

9. Two words: You. Are. Dumb. This reason right here should have given it away as a joke. I mean, come on!

6. I mean, black hoods? Fa-shion dis-a-a-a-ster. Wasn't Abu Ghraib dreary enough already? (More like Abu Drab!) I would have started a riot--a laugh riot. While pointing at you! Again, obvious clue that it's satire! Has anyone actually criticized Abu Ghraib for being a fashion disaster? I think not.

5. How dare you taunt a dying Christopher Reeve with a big brown bottle of stem cells? The man was on his deathbed, you sick monster. Why did you have to hold the spoon right in front of his lips? "C'mon, Chrissy, it's right here. You can do it, bwah! Just another coupla inches. Oooh, yer close. Close!" Shame on you, Dubya. Do you know of anyone who thinks Bush taunted Reeves on his deathbed with a spoonful of stem cells? No, I didn't think you did. Sarcasm alert.

The Opinion Journal obviously got enough hate mail that it felt the need to post an update telling people it was satire. Sometimes I fear for our collective sense of humor.

Bobbing for Arnie

Seems to me this Arnold Schwarzenegger bobblehead doll has the wrong body part bobbing.

Shouldn't it be his hand?*

*Sure, I bet you thought I was going to suggest another body part. Well, hand actually is the first thought that occurred to me, but after I typed the post, I realized that some might jump to the conclusion I meant a part a wee bit lower down.

Happy April Fools Day!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Yankees fan/Mikey hater blogging. Thanks for the memories!

Click for Mega April Fools Size

Best Commentary On Gore Endorsement Ever

From Opinions You Should Have - Gore To Claim He Invented Dean, Says GOP.

You Know You're A Redneck Iffen...

I'm having a bit of blogger's block, so I decided just to translate yesterday's post into "Redneck" courtesy of the Universal Translator. Link to Universal Translator via hnumpah, a member in a politics forum I participate in.

Lack uv Critical Thinkin' Rears Its Ugly Head

Ovuh thar dang last 24 hours, Ah have had two separate discussions thut thar highlight ah lack uv critical thinkin' skills, Leroy! 'n thar dang first one, thar dang felluh 'n quesshun had re-ceived an e-mail about boycottin' Target because thut thar thar wuz against corporate policy tuh support Vietnam veterans’ causes 'n them's wuz French-owned.

Vietnam Veterans Associashun By Dick Forrey
We'all axed our local Target store tuh bay ah sponsor uv thar dang Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall durin' our sprin' re-cognishun event.

We'all re-ceived back ah re-ply ferm Target management thut thar “veterans do not meet our area uv givin', Leroy! We'all only donate tuh thar dang areas uv thar dang arts, social acshuns, gay 'n lesbian causes, 'n educashun.”

My thought: If thar dang Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall 'n veterans 'n general, do not meet they's donashun criteria, somethin' am wrong at Target, pardner. We'all wuz not askin' fuh thousands uv dollars, not even hundreds, but simply sponsorship uv an endorsement fuh ah memorial re-membrance.

As follow-up, Ah E-mailed thar dang corporate headquarters 'n they's re-sponse wuz thar dang same, Leroy! Personally, Ah gots ta NOT bay purchasin' anythin' at Target Stores again, Leroy! If thar dang Vietnam Veteran or Veterans 'n general do not meet they's area uv givin', pardner. then why should I, as ah Vietnam veteran, spend maw hard earned money 'n they's stores?

(TARGET IS FRENCH OWNED - WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT?)

Please pass this'n on tuh as many cousins as y'all know, Leroy!
Sincerely, “Veterans Helpin' Veterans”
PS: Target gots ta also not allow thar dang Marines tuh collect fuh “Toys For Tots” durin' thar dang holidays, hot damn!
Are y'all surprised?

Now Ah would think thut thar knowin' how many e-mail hoaxes there are out there, one might bay somewhat suspect uv thar dang claims made 'n this'n e-mail, pardner. Maybe do ah little re-search, Leroy! Ah wonduh if thar dang felluh thinks thut thar that thar hella am Mariam Abacha askin' he all fuh his'n assistance n'all thar dang little mattuh uv helpin' huh get huh millions out uv Nigeria, hot damn! Ah wuz suspect uv thar dang claims, so Ah did re-search, Leroy! Lo 'n behold, Ah turned up thar dang following.

Accordin' tuh thar dang Veterans uv Foreign Wars, Target wuz ah corporate sponsor fuh thar dang 2003 tour uv thar dang Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial Fund’s “ Thar dang Wall Thut thar Heals.” Apparently they's corporate policy does not prohibit 'em ferm donatin' tuh Vietnam Veterans’ causes.

Thar dang original e-mail ferm Dick Forrey did not include thar dang words “gay 'n lesbian causes”, hot damn! Someone else added those words later, probably tuh play on people’s prejudices, pardner. Thut thar link also provides ah bit lotsa in-depth informashun re-gardin' thar dang actual chain uv events between Forrey 'n Target, which am slightly lotsa involved than thar dang e-mail suggests, Leroy! Although thut thar thar am quite true thut thar Target might not have given Forrey funds fuh his'n particular charity had bubba gone through thar dang process uv formally applyin' fuh ah grant, we’ll nevuh know, hot damn! We'all also know ferm thar dang link 'n point 1 thut thar Target has donated tuh othuh Vietnam Veterans’ causes.

Target am not French-owned, Leroy! Thut thar thar am ah Minneapolis-based company whose primary shareholders are U.S. institushunal investors, pardner. Yes, AXAh Financial, which am owned bar thar dang French AXAh Group, does own ah 1.61% stake 'n them, Leroy! Deutsche Bank owns ah 1.66% stake 'n 'em too.

So now if y'all happen tuh get thut thar e-mail or know anyone who does, y'all gots ta know thut thar that thar am distorted, at best.

Thar dang second instance wuz when someone made thar dang claim thut thar “Ah would about bet maw life lotsa aid goes tuh Israel via thar dang federal treasury than does all but ah few states.” Guv-munt budgets are matters uv publik re-cord, hot damn! Thar dang government has been puttin' thar dang data out on thar dang In-tuh-net fuh several years now, pardner. So why not go check rathuh than makin' some wild-assed guess? Ah did, 'n thut thar thar turns out thut thar it’s ah perty good thin' bubba would only “about” bet his'n life, because otherwise his'n ass would bay grass.

Thar dang FY 2002 appropriashun uv U.S. foreign aid tuh Israel wuz $2.76 million billion (yes, Ah occasionally do make typos).
Numbuh uv states gettin' lotsa than $2.76 million billion 'n federal aid 'n FY 2002 wuz 37 (38 if y'all include thar dang District uv Colombia), Leroy! Go tuh page 14 uv thar dang attached document.

Total amount uv federal foreign aid - $15.4 billion

Total amount uv federal aid tuh thar dang states - $362.4 billion

It am precisely these types uv instances thut thar highlight thar dang problem n'all critical-thinkin' skills 'n this'n country, pardner. These are not underprivileged people, hot damn! Both have access tuh they's own personal computers, Leroy! Both have gone through thar dang U.S. primary 'n secondary school systems, Leroy! One uv 'em does not have ah college degree, true, 'n I’m not sure about thar dang othuh one, hot damn! Nevertheless, hot damn! Both exhibit sufficient interest 'n politics tuh spend they's time 'n political debate clubs.

Yet most uv thar dang claims don’t pass anythin' like ah re-asonability test if y'all stop 'n think about them, hot damn! Thut thar doesn’t necessarily make 'em untrue - unreasonable thin', pardner. do occur - but thut thar thar makes 'em suspect, Leroy! When y'all sez thin', pardner. thut thar sound unreasonable, wut y'all should do am go verify 'em fuh yourself.

But Ah suppose thar dang problem goes beyond just ah lack uv willingness tuh do thar dang work tuh verify thin', Leroy! thut thar sound unreasonable, pardner. Scariuh than thut thar am thut thar thar dang claims probably didn’t sound unreasonable tuh eithuh one uv 'em 'n thar dang first place.

Posted bar Lesley at Decembuh 8, 2003 07:35 AM | TrackBack

Comments
Thar dang whole foreign aid thin' am compleat non-sense, pardner. We'all run near thar dang bottom uv all developed nashuns 'n thar dang givin' uv foreign aid as ah % uv GDP, hot damn! If thar dang US completely eliminated all foreign aid, means tested welfare 'n all NEAh grants we'all would still bay about 350 billion 'n thar dang whole.

It’s ah lot uv hand wringin' ovuh nothin', pardner. Makes fuh perty good stories though.

Posted by: Rick DeMent on Decembuh 8, 2003 08:32 AM

Not tuh menshun thut thar Target has re-asonable prices, so thut thar thar dang individual, aftuh shoppin' at target fuh thar dang latest (insert basik un-needed consumuh good) them's should still have enough money tuh donate tuh whatevuh charity them's prefer.

And thut thar does not depend on thar dang particular coporate policy towards any particular non-profit org.

Posted by: Justin on Decembuh 8, 2003 04:26 PM

As Hnumpha’s piece pointed out, most uv America’s aid tuh Israel am not on paper—not easily deciphered ledgers anyway.

It comes 'n lotsa than just outright grants, Leroy! Thut thar thar comes 'n loan guarantees, forgiven loans, compensashun fuh thin', pardner. thut thar could bay dun 'n America lotsa inexpensively 'n tax breaks fuh donashuns thut thar gots tuh run into thar dang $billions.

Total aid thut thar kin bay re-asonably accounted fuh am between $6-7 annually.

Now Ah haven’t checked re-cently on thar dang exact figure, but last Ah re-call thar dang entire budget fuh thar dang state uv Washington—a socialist utopia n'all 6 million people, lotsa than Israel—was between $13-15 billion annually, Leroy! I’m not sure how Federal grants work, if them's are administrated via thar dang legislature or donated directly tuh agencies such as those re-sponsible fuh transportashun 'n healthcare infrastructure, hot damn! Some are undoubtedly given directly tuh private initiatives.

'n any event Ah have ah tough time believin' thut thar federal fundin' 'n this'n state equals 50% uv our entire expenditures.

Furthermore even if thut thar thar does, we'all do pay taxes 'n get ah lot less back than wut we'all pay in, Leroy! Hell maw sales tax isn’t even deductible! Why should foreign contribushuns be?

Ah don’t necessarly agree n'all all uv thar dang supposed facts 'n unsupposed sentiments expressed here, but it’s seems re-liable enough as ah source (AIPAC 'n thar dang Jewish Virtual Library are used 'n thar dang piece).

From: http://www.alternativenews.org

MIFTAH
A) Thar dang nature uv US foreign aid tuh Israel

A1, Leroy! Constitutes 30% uv thar dang total US foreign aid budget, which re-nders Israel tuh bay thar dang largest re-cipient uv US aid 'n thar dang world

Since 1987, thar dang US congress has annually been approvin' ah foreign aid bill totalin' an average uv $3 billion tuh Israel, $1.2 billion 'n economical aid, 'n $1.8 billion 'n military aid.

Aftuh thar dang gulf war 'n 1991, thar dang US has addishunally been uvferin' Israel $2 billion annually 'n federal loan guarantees, which brin', hot damn! thar dang total US foreign aid tuh Israel tuh about $5 billion, or $13.7 million puh day, pardner. This'n amount excludes thar dang approximate $1.5 billion 'n total tax-deductible private donashuns ferm numerous Jewish charities 'n individual donors.

All 'n all, this'n am thar dang largest amount uv foreign aid given tuh ah country, 'n constitutes 30% uv thar dang total amount uv US foreign aid budget.

A2, Leroy! Started 'n 1948 'n gradually increased ovuh thar dang years

Soon aftuh thar dang Truman decision 'n 1948 tuh re-cognize Israel as ah Jewish State, thar dang US Congress approved an aid package 'n thar dang form uv ah $135 million Export-Import Bank loan 'n orduh tuh take 'n holocaust survivors 'n provide 'em n'all homes.

Until 1973, aid wuz mainly made up uv military, economik 'n export-import bank loans, although annual economik grants rangin' between $0.1 'n $74 million wuz also uvfered between thar dang years 1951 'n 1962.

Aftuh thar dang 1973 war, thar dang US aid tuh Israel constituted largely uv military 'n economik grants tuh help strengthen thar dang Israeli defense forces, hot damn! This'n included $12-80 million, which wuz annually granted towards thar dang establishment uv Jewish re-fugee camps.

This TABLE shows thar dang history uv US financial assistance tuh Israel, as documented bar thar dang Jewish Virtual Library, hot damn! Notice thar dang pattern uv increased assistance ovuh thar dang years fuh economic, military 'n Jewish re-fugee grants, especially aftuh 1973, Leroy! This'n pattern re-flects thar dang US interests (secshun A3) 'n empowerin' Israel as thar dang only democratic, close ally 'n thar dang re-gion, 'n not fuh thar dang pure intent tuh assist ah developin' country.

A3, hot damn! Promotes American interests 'n thar dang Middle East

Thar dang US fundin' tuh Israel acts as thar dang backbone fuh thar dang strategik partnership between both countries, pardner. By advancin' Israel’s technological 'n military powers, thar dang US am able tuh share intelligence informashun re-gardin' Arab militant groups, like Hizbullah, as well as informashun re-gardin' thar dang proliferashun uv weapons uv mass destrucshun 'n countries such as Iran, Iraq 'n Syria.

Three quarters uv thar dang military aid tuh Israel goes fuh importin' US-made military equipment such as F-16 'n Apache attack helicopters, Leroy! This'n creates ah job market fuh US citizens 'n transforms Palestine into ah test ground fuh US made weaponry, used daily against Palestinians.

Israel has cooperated n'all thar dang US arms industry tuh develop lotsa effective military equipment at affordable costs tuh thar dang US, Leroy! About one quartuh uv thar dang military aid tuh Israel am contributed towards military re-search 'n development, where several innovative jet fighters, missiles 'n navigatin' 'n targetin' devices have been manufactured 'n sold back tuh thar dang US, pardner. Examples are thar dang ITALD, Litenin', pardner. Popeye 'n thar dang UAV.

A4, hot damn! Proposed bar Israel 'n 1998 tuh bay re-duced 'n an effort tuh establish an economically independent country

'n 1998, accordin' tuh an agreement n'all thar dang Clinton Administrashun 'n Congress, Israel voluntarily re-quested tuh decrease its financial dependence on US economik aid bar phasin' thut thar thar out ovuh ah period uv 10 years.

Thar dang $1.2 billion 'n economik aid gots ta bay re-duced bar $120 million each year until thut thar thar am down tuh zero 'n thar dang year 2008, Leroy! This'n gots ta help Israel tuh become an economically independent country.

However, 50% uv thar dang savin', pardner. (i.e, pardner. $60 million) each year gots ta bay added tuh an emergency military aid fund tuh Israel, pardner. This'n demonstrates thar dang US’s persistence 'n commitment tuh help Israel gain control uv thar dang re-gion.

B) Thar dang controversy fuh US foreign aid tuh Israel

B1, Leroy! Granted 'n disproporshun tuh Israel’s size 'n needs

Israel am an economically, technologically, 'n militarily advanced country, n'all ah puh capita rate uv $14,000, which am highuh thut thar that uv all neighborin' Arab countries, includin' thar dang oil-rich Saudi Arabia, pardner. Thut thar thar am ranked as thar dang world’s sixteenth wealthiest country, yet thar dang US aid tuh Israel constitutes 30% uv thar dang total US foreign aid budget.

Israeli populashun am 5.8 million, which only constitutes one thousandth uv thar dang world’s total populashun, pardner. Between thar dang years 1949 'n 1998, thar dang US has provided ah total uv $84 billion 'n aid tuh Israel, which exceeds thut thar given tuh all countries uv sub-Saharan Africa, Latin America, 'n thar dang Caribbean combined, n'all ah total populashun uv about 1.054 billion people.

B2, pardner. Promotes thar dang illegal occupashun uv Palestinian land 'n orduh tuh establish settlements fuh Jewish re-fugees

Ah porshun uv US foreign aid tuh Israel, which has increased 'n thar dang past decade tuh $80 million annually, goes into buildin' settlements fuh Jewish immigrants, hot damn! This'n occurs bar thar dang illegal confiscashun uv Palestinian land 'n home demolishun tuh allow fuh space, hot damn! Jewish settlements surround every single Palestinian city 'n thar dang West Bank, 'n they's rapid construcshun since 1973 has prevented thar dang creashun uv ah feasible Palestinian State.

Jewish settlements are built on confiscated Palestinian land tuh accommodate Jewish immigrants ferm all ovuh thar dang world, based on thar dang Israeli Law uv Return, hot damn! These immigrants are guaranteed thar dang right tuh Israeli citizenship, free Hebrew learnin', Leroy! 'n immediate employment, pardner. On thar dang othuh hand, Palestinian re-fugees who wuz forced tuh flee they's homes 'n 1948 'n 1967 are forbidden ferm re-turnin' tuh they's towns uv origin.

B3, Leroy! Transforms Palestine into ah military test ground

Seventy five percent uv US military aid tuh Israel goes into purchasin' US-made military equipment, such as tanks, machine guns, bullets, helicoptuh gunships, 'n more, Leroy! Thar dang US depends on Israel tuh test new military technologies 'n war condishuns, pardner. For example, uranium-depleted ammunishun has been fired at civilians 'n Palestine.

B4, Leroy! Violates US Law 'n abuses human rights

Thar dang Foreign Assistance Act (FAA) uv thar dang United States, which provides guidelines fuh thar dang eligibility uv certain countries tuh purchase US-made weapons 'n military equipment, states 'n secshun 116 thut thar “ Naw assistance may bay provided unduh this'n part tuh thar dang government uv any country which engages 'n ah consistent pattern uv gross violashuns uv internashunally re-cognized human rights.” However, Israeli army engages daily 'n degradin' 'n inhumane treatments towards Palestinians, such as prolonged detenshun without charges, strip searches at checkpoints, beatings, torture, 'n home demolishuns, pardner. Accordin' tuh Amnesty Internashunal, Israel am thar dang only country thut thar legalizes torture.

Similarly, secshun 4 uv thar dang Arms Export control Act prevents thar dang US government ferm sellin' defense articles tuh countries thut thar abuse they's use fuh non-self-defense purposes, hot damn! 'n 2001, thar dang US State Department described thar dang acshuns uv Israeli army against Palestinians as an “excessive use uv force,” re-ferrin' tuh thar dang use uv live ammunishun when soldiers wuz not 'n ah pendin' danger, Leroy! This'n clearly shows thut thar thar dang US does not agree n'all thar dang way these weapons are bein' used against Palestinians, yet thar dang US military aid tuh Israel continues consistently as agreed between both countries.

SOURCES:
Al-Awda, http://al-awda.org/
Global Exchange, http://www.globalexchange.org/
Thar dang American Israel Publik Affairs Committee, http://www.aipac.org/
Thar dang Jewish Virtual Library, http://www.us-israel.org/jsource/
Thar dang Palestine monitor, http://www.palestinemonitor.org/
USAID, http://www.usaid.gov/

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:06 PM

Obviously that’s $6-7 billion annually, 'n Ah would bet it’s highuh than that.

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:08 PM

Tax breaks fuh donashuns? Thut thar am ah completely bogus comparison, hot damn! Jews get tuh donate they's money tuh whatevuh charitable causes them's see fit, pardner. We'all even get thar dang same tax breaks afforded tuh any othuh U.S, hot damn! citizen, pardner. Y'all don’t have tuh approve, but thut thar am y'alls problem, hot damn! Ah bet Ah don’t approve uv some uv y'alls charitable causes either, hot damn! Do Ah get tuh whine about thar dang tax breaks y'all get fuh donatin' tuh causes Ah don’t approve uv? Thut thar am not U.S, hot damn! aid tuh Israel, Leroy! Thut thar am individuals givin' they's own money as them's choose.

As fuh y'alls disbelief about thar dang amount uv aid given tuh thar dang state, wasn’t thar dang link Ah provided tuh thar dang U.S, hot damn! government re-port sufficient proof? Y'all think thar dang U.S, Leroy! government am lyin' about it? Like Ah said, thar dang fact thut thar somethin' sounds unreasonable doesn’t necessarily make thut thar thar untrue, pardner. Unreasonable thin', pardner. occur, pardner. If thut thar thar sounds unreasonable, y'all just need tuh validate thut thar thar fuh yourself, Leroy! Ah did that.

Posted by: Lesley on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:14 PM

Shit, Leroy! Ah also meant “entire expenditures on thar dang state level”, Leroy! Technically thut thar thar should bay clear since them's are not “our expenditures” if thar dang Feds are spendin' it…but thar dang clarificashun might have been useful, some gots ta undoubtedly misconstrue thar dang point as me havin' suggested half thar dang state budget am federal money, which Ah don’t think thut thar thar is.

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:14 PM

Y'all would bet? Y'all lost y'alls last one, so eithuh provide some actual proof fuh y'alls beliefs or admit y'all hella don’t know.

Posted by: Lesley on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:14 PM

Yes Ah do think thar dang Federal government lies about things, imagine that.

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:15 PM

Yeah, so do I, just not stuff that’s easily verifiable.

Posted by: Lesley on Decembuh 8, 2003 11:37 PM

Funny Ah seem tuh re-call winnin' our last bet :)

Posted by: Jim on Decembuh 9, 2003 12:29 AM

Another Time-Waster

The Bush Backdrop Generator. I generated Bushurama and The Bush in the Hall.

UPDATE: I realized that some of my regular readers won't get the references, so I'm posting them. Bender from Futurama and the Headcrusher from The Kids in the Hall.

The Great Canoe Race

My father sent me this via e-mail. It would be funnier, if it weren't so true.

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race.

Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

"We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.".

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life, eh?

The Current State of Most Political Debate

One of the reasons I have become less and less inclined to discuss politics nowadays is that the majority of political debate has come to resemble an unfunny version of a Monty Python sketch. So, I'd rather just listen to the funny original Monty Python sketch, namely The Argument Clinic. Read it and tell me I'm not right. Doesn't it just make you think about all the "Well, what about [fill in name of hated politician here]! If you say one bad thing about [fill in name of not-hated politician here], it must mean that you therefore support everything that [fill in name of hated politician here] does!"

The Cast (in order of appearance)

M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer
C= Complainer
H= Head Hitter

M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

Pause

R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)

M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.

Pause

A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right. (pays money)
A: Thank you.

short pause

M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
M: (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

It Came From the Spa!

Just when you thought it was safe to go out on the streets again, this horrifying thriller will keep you inside! Yes, It Came From the Spa. What is this monstrous thing turning normal women into green-faced monsters? Watch as these women terrorize your neighborhood! Cringe while they brandish their toxic nail polish! Scream as they steam unsuspecting victims' pores to death! Shiver while they pour hot wax on their lips, eyebrows, and more sensitive parts! Coming next Halloween to a theatre near you!

I'm Dreaming of a Color-Blind Winter Holiday

Michele has issued a challenge to envision a completely politically correct holiday season. My contributions, thus far:

The title of this post.

How the Grinch Redistributed to the Poor the Holiday Season.

New lyrics to the song "Winter Wonderland"

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful, but this is not to imply that a lane without snow would also not be beautiful, sight,
We're happy tonight.
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the non-color-specific-bird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He or she sings a love song,
As we go along,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowperson,
Then pretend that he or she is a member of the clergy from the religion of your choice or, if you prefer, a justice of the peace.

He or she'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No person,
Because marriage is a paternalistic construct
Designed to suppress women

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowperson,
And pretend that he or she's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with Mr./Ms./Miss/Mrs. Snowperson,
Until the alligators knock him or her down.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Arctic Native American way,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

Traversing through a winter wonderland,
Traversing through a winter wonderland.

If you have any of your own, go leave them.

Clap Hands

So on this other forum I participate in, a discussion was started regarding spirituality in the workplace. At some point in the discussion, one of the members responded to someone who said that it is fellow Christians who are the biggest challenge to his beliefs by saying

If you're a Christian, you believe in Christ. You don't believe in Christians.

But I believe in Christians! I'm sure they exist. I've met them.

Do you believe in Christians? Say quickly that you believe! If you believe, clap your hands! Maybe then the Christians won't die.

Punctuation Envy

A spammer asks the age-old question - "Do you suffer from small ???"

Hmm. Let's take a look. ???

My word, I do! Oh, the shame. Sure, sure, I know that readers all say that size doesn't matter, but do they really believe it?

Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball

In honor of the World Series, I've transcribed one of my favorite Bob Newhart stand-up routines entitled "Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball". Enjoy.

I got thinking about baseball, and how games are marketed today. You know, you go to a game manufacturer, and they figure everything out. And decide whether the game is right for the public or not, and then they market it. And it got me to thinking supposing Abner Doubleday had called one of the game manufacturers with this new invention of his called baseball. Now I think a phone conversation would have taken place something like this.

Hel..Hello, Olympic Games. What can I do for you, Mr. Doubleday?

You've got a game. How many couples?

18 people? That's a helluva lot of people.

Well the ideal game is, I mean, 2-3 couples. You know, come over to the house, they get a little smashed, and you know.

You can't play it in the house either? You see, you've got two things right there against you.

All right, all right. Tell me about it.

You got 9 guys on each side. Yeah.

You got a pitcher and a catcher. They throw this ball back and forth. That's all there is to it?

All right. A guy from the other side stands between them. With a bat. I see. And he just watches them?

Oh, I see. He swings at it?

He may or he may not swing at it. Depending on what?

"If it looked like it were a ball." Uh, what's a ball, Mr. Doubleday?

You've got this plate. Uh-huh.

And as long as it's above the knees but below the shoulders, it... No, no, go ahead, I'm listening... it's a strike. 3 strikes and you're out, and 3 balls...

Not 3 balls, 4 balls. Why 4 balls, Mr. Doubleday?

Nobody's ever asked you before.

Or he may hit it? If he hits it, what happens?

He runs as far as he can, before somebody catches it. As long as it stays what?

As long as it stays fair. And what's fair, Mr. Doubleday?

You've got these two white lines? Is this a rib? Is this one of the guys in the office? Who is this?

Mr. Doubleday, that's the most complicated game I've ever heard in my life. Forget it. Right. Mr. Doubleday, listen, though. You come up with anything 2-3 couples, you be sure and let us know.

All right, Mr. Doubleday. I'll be talking with you.

No Takers

A disgruntled Red Sox fan put Grady Little up for auction on ebay.

You just saw it happen, the Yankees thrilling victory over the Boston Red Sox in extra innings. Now, and one time only, get your official piece of memorabilia from the 2003 ALCS. That's right, you can now own Grady Little. Watch as he takes your team within five outs of the World Series, and then proceeds to squander it away. He will make all the memorable Little mistakes, leaving your starting pitcher who is clearly laboring in to give up 4 runs, or leave in your knuckle-baller, who clearly doesn't have his stuff, and lets him groove a floater to a slumping Aaron Boone. All this and more goes to the lucky winning bidder.

Seller's payment instructions:
for a limited time only, if the buyer pays the shipping for Grady Little, not only will you receive Grady Little, but you will also get Dusty Baker. That's two great managers both fully capable of bringing your team to within 5 outs of the world series and dashing your hearts. Act now!

Advice du Jour

Don't criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and, best of all, you'll have his shoes.

Courtesy of my father.

The Election Limerick File

Michele is having a Presidential election limerick contest. Having previously tried my hand at haiku and sonnets, I figured why not a limerick too?

There once was a man named Pat Paulsen
Who for President would run and run
I know that he's dead
Still I'd like him instead
Of Dick Gephardt or Joe Lieberman

Speaking of Bitchslaps

Via Strange Cosmos

Another Sick French Joke

I told this man I'm dating my sick French joke. He liked it, but having actually been in comedy himself, he came up with an even better one. Again, not for the faint of heart.

Q: "What do you call an epileptic on a Paris sidewalk?"

A: "Shake and bake."

Anyway, he's picking me up soon, so I'm off. Toodles.

Things That Make You Go Hmm

Why are clams the benchmark of happiness? How could you even tell if a clam was happy?

Why do people never seem to have two right feet? Is this some kind of sinister plot?*

Why would you even try to get blood from a stone?

Could you even get in on some floor other than the ground?

Are pins particularly neat?

What if Dante's right and snowballs have a great chance in hell?

*Yes, we here at Plum Crazy bring you puns in Latin.

Persuasion

Right. If you need to do a web search for how to persuade someome (sic) marriage is a good idea, I'm thinking you're already in trouble.

Your Own Personal War-Cry

A Better Monument for Alabama

A Judge Roy Moore bobblehead. What the heck, someone was doing a web search for one.

Weird Google Searches

No, literally, weird google searches. And I come up third. Over the years, quite a few people have said I'm weird, so what the hell.

Just Like Heaven

The Afterlife, V1.0 by silentounce
Name
Favorite Color
Your fate	Heaven
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Via Michele

That Dave Barry Meme

Could a (once) Manhattanite keep herself from hopping on the latest trend? Not this one! So I've entered the poetry contest at poetry.com. To find it, just search under the name Freemont Enegro.

Bad Canine
by Freemont Enegro

Bad little canine
The dog ate mother's toes
Her socks don't fit now

Somebody Delink Her

Meryl Yourish Wants You To Delink Her!

Here's what she is saying to start the delinking:

"Here, let's see if I can achieve an all-round delinking frenzy: Strom Thurmond was a racist jerk who should have died a few decades ago. (Hmmm, check.) PETA is a stupid, twit-filled organization that harms animal causes more than it helps. (Double check.) Ann Coulter is a lunatic who belongs in an asylum, and manages to cause more harm than good. And listen up, fellas—she's not hot! You are effing blind if you think that woman is attractive. (Amen, sister!) Ooh, ooh, I know! Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot! (Well, nowadays he's more of a big, not-so-fat idiot, but other than that, check again!)

However, any fools that happen to disagree with any of those positions should feel free to delink Meryl. And me. (Assuming you even have me linked, which is pretty unlikely, so feel free to link me and then delink me to make a really strong statement. Make sure to be really splashy and public about it too. And while we're at it, anyone who thinks that the Yankees should keep Jeff Weaver for reasons other than Yankees hatred should not only delink me but let me know who you are so I can delink you.)

Some Things Are Not Meant to Be Funky

I predict a Heinz brand manager is about to be fired - The brand manager who thought up Funky Fries, french fries flavored with chocolate, cinnamon, or sour cream. Sales of that nasty puppy were so bad that Heinz is claiming that is one reason for its fourth-quarter profit miss.

I love chocolate as much as the next chocaholic, but chocolate-flavored french fries? Ewwwwww.

1.5 2.5 Questions Answered

Andy is guest-blogging over at Liquid Courage these days. He's holding a kind of open mike night for questions. I asked him 3.5 questions, and he was able to answer 1.5 of them. Unfortunately, I still don't know what the hell a man-in-the-moon marigold is, but perhaps that's just one of those mysteries not meant for humans to know. I bet my cats know, smug-looking things. They're just not telling.

UPDATE: Matt answers one of the other questions. His photographic evidence is truly frightening. Not for the faint of heart. I bet three more seconds of in-depth research would have also turned up that it was a movie, though.

But I still don't know what a man-in-the-moon marigold is, dammit. I wonder if the gamma rays would turn them into some kind of Hulk man-in-the-moon marigolds that go around smashing other marigolds in the flower bed. Maybe Meryl would know.

A Newt?

Andy says he wants to be a newt. Far be it from me to stifle his self-expression, but the thought of being studied by that fish-faced freak Gussie Fink-Nottle should be enough to put anyone off newtness.

Speaking of Being Geographically Challenged

Geez, I thought I was bad when it comes to geography, but at least I would know better than to display the Tennessee state constitution on an Indiana local government building. Granted, I did have to look on a map to see how far apart the two states were (Kentucky separates them for those as geographically challenged as I am).

A Break from the Break

I simply had to take a break from the break and point this out. Consider this one of those "I report; you decide" things.

First, read the original post from Jane that garnered this response from some guy calling himself General JC Christian, Patriot. Now, ignoring what I said in the guy's comments, you tell me what you think.

Who Elected Me?

Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?


What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Via The World Wide Rant

DVDs of Death

The news is out about Uday's secret stash of videotapes. Yes, he collected such "gems" as Like Father, Like Son and License to Kill. Well, Michele wants to know what DVDs or videotapes you'd run to hide if you knew the public was going to find out. I fessed up that I'd hide my copies of Bring It On and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Easter's On Its Way

Not being Christian and all, generally I don't much care when Easter is. This year, however, I am anxiously awaiting its arrival. Because once it's here, that damn Toys "R" Us commercial will be gone, and I will no longer have the hideous evil insidiousness of Peter Cottontail running through my head!

UPDATE: That's it, I'm going to sue the bastards for pain and suffering! Having that damn song running through your head for 5 hours must qualify.

Prisoners of War

The recent Vogon forced relocation of Amish Tech Support has left the archives as prisoners of war. Go, give Laurence money so he can free them. It's the humanitarian thing to do.

The Vogons Are Coming

And they've built a hyperspatial express route right through Laurence. I wonder if that hurts?

UPDATE: Apparently there was some of those rare happy, warm, and fuzzy Vogons. They relocated him to nicer digs.

He can also be found here. Hopefully not spouting Vogon poetry. I feel sick enough today.

Putting Nigeria Out Of Business

Our government shows its disdain for African commerce once again, as it attempts to prevent Nigerians from earning a living.

This is a joke. This is only a joke. If this had been a serious post, you would have been provided with directions on where to send me reams of hate mail telling me what a stupid, politically correct moron I am.

Bad Hair Day

I wonder how much I could get for a cut I just thought didn't turn out well.

Taking Advantage

To whoever you are, I assure you, there are none. Well, maybe the wine and food, but you can always buy those where you live.

All Your Base

Okay, all you happy surfers who are arriving at my site today by doing a search for "all your base are belong saddam" are probably looking for this. Enjoy.

Sigh

This has been a very disappointing day, in which I discover that not only do I lack the glamorous "traitor" status, but I don't even qualify for the diminished "idiot and hypocrite" status. Although apparently I do get the somewhat less fun "seemingly" intellectual status. What's a girl to do?

Boredom

I'm not sure, but I think Dave of the greeblie blog is bored.

Shocking News

At last, incontrovertible proof that Disney is trying to take over the world with animatronics.

Casey Kasem is still hosting American Top 40. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I'd thank Andy of the World Wide Rant for alerting me to this fact, but I want the blue pill dammit!

Mr. Cranky Goes To Iraq

Mr. Cranky of movie review fame (well, fame used in the sense of a bunch of geeks like me who surf the Net too often read him) reviews Iraqi war news coverage. And he's not happy. Okay, of course he's not happy. If he were happy, he'd call himself something like Mr. Happy or Mr. Gleeful or some nauseating shit like that. But he's less happy than usual, giving it a four bomb rating (meaning "As good as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"). My favorite part of the review:

"After all, this is a television station that still insists all the Jews got out of the World Trade Center before the planes hit despite the fact that this rumor was proven to be your basic email hoax. If email is Al-Jazeera's source du jour, why haven't they reported on the ease with which any man can lengthen his penis two inches? They would surely rule the world within days!"

Not just that, but judging by the spam mail I get, I too can grow my penis two inches. This is even more amazing than a man being able to do so. Think of the scoop Al-Jazeera could have!

Buy Plum Crazy

Via Michele, I came across this thing called BlogShares. Imagine my shock when I discovered my blog was listed on this fantasy blog market with a market cap of $5315.20 and a share price of $0.58. Sure I have a ways to go to compete with the big guys, but I'm still psyched. I'm #209 on the list! You can go buy and sell shares of Plum Crazy or some of your other favorite blogs. It's a finance geek blogger's dream!

Name That Breakfast Item

For those of you who aren't aware, french toast is no longer being served on Air Force 1. They are now serving Freedom toast. Stuffed Freedom toast, to be precise. Personally I think the whole thing is pretty damn juvenile. However, I found Laurence Simon's take on it to be quite amusing. He is guest-blogging at the World Wide Rant (who has moved to Movable Type, BTW) and is asking commenters to come up with a better name than Freedom toast. So go give him your ideas!

What Not To Do With A Cell Phone

Courtesy of Michele.

Kitties!

Michele has waving kitties! There is just nothing to brighten up a dreary day like waving kitties.

Happy Blogiversary

Today is the one-year blogiversary of the World Wide Rant. Go give your props and mad programming skills to Andy and Tom. Andy said he spoke to Jesus, and Jesus said that if you do, it will counter one of your sins. Well, Andy has one up on me, given that I don't speak to Jesus. But I ask you, how many Jewish girls have the Pope as an uncle? (Go ahead, ask.)

The Wearin' O' The Green

And the tellin' o' the bad jokes.

Eamonn Murphy passes away, leaving control of his company, Murphy's Nails, to his wastrel son Sean. The board is a bit concerned about Sean taking over, but he convinces them to give him a shot, promising to increase sales over the next several months. Sean contacts a big New York advertising agency and tells them what he wants. They tell him, "No problem, Mr. Murphy, just tune into Channel 4 next Thursday at 6 pm."

Sean and the board anxiously turn on their TVs at 6 pm on Thursday. A desert scene comes on the screen, with a man with a beard, sandals, and wearing a tunic being dragged off by two Roman centurions. The man is nailed to a cross and the tagline comes on the screen - "Use Murphy's Nails. They'll never let you down."

Well, public reaction is bad. Cries of outrage come from all quarters. The Pope calls Sean directly to complain about the commercial. Sean frantically calls the ad agency. They tell him not to worry, just to tune in again next Thursday at 6 pm and they will take care of everything.

Everyone is now on pins and needles by the time Thursday rolls around. They are all sitting in front of their TVs biting their nails. The same desert scene comes on, only this time the guy with the beard, sandals, and tunic is running away from the Roman centurions. The tagline comes up - "Should have used Murphy's Nails."

M&Ms Homeland Security Pack

Alan has an excellent idea inspired by my poll - creating a Homeland Security Pack of M&Ms in which the only colors will match the Homeland Security Levels. Being the thoughtful guy he is, he also sent a set to Tom Ridge.

I was thinking about how this could work if the poll shows great support for the new level to be Invisible. I think I have the angle - sell it to women. "My favorite M&M is the invisible one. It goes straight to your thighs, but the fat is invisible!" I'd buy them.

Maybe A Nice Mauve?

I'm so glad to see that the government is taking care of important things like adding another color to the terror attack risk level. Apparently they feel that there needs to be one between orange and red. They couldn't just come out and say what they think, they need to color-code it. Who's got the Crayolas?

Via Eschaton

What color do you think the new threat level should be?

View Current Results

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

Since our government and certain restaurants have taken the rather silly step of removing the word "French" from such American favorites as french fries and french toast, Pete is wondering if we shouldn't go all the way and just dismantle the Statue of Liberty.

An Ultimatum

Honestly, this is your absolutely, positively, final last chance¹

¹Unless some other country decides they don't like this last chance or the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars or Hans Blix sneezes 3 times tomorrow or 5 Iraqis can tell us who won the World Series last year without looking it up or you swear, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye never to do it again (until the next time) or someone left the cake out in the rain or... Offer void where prohibited by law.

Exciting E-Mail Offers

I'm pleased to announce that in an exciting congruence of events I can now both grow my penis safely and naturally and satisfy my woman instantly. Sadly for the spammers, though, I neither have nor want either of those things. Well, you can't blame a spammer for trying.

Don't Try This At Home

Coincidence? A representative from Oklahoma lost a tooth after butting heads with a heifer on his ranch. A Norwegian death metal fan got a skull fracture after a sheep's head went flying off the stage at a Mayhem concert. Spooooky.

Budget Cuts

We interrupt regularly scheduled blogging to inform you that, due to budget reductions, the City of New York has decided to turn off the heat on Mondays for the month of March. Thank you. We now return you to your blog, already in progress.

Shoot 'Em Up

I really feel that this guy has a solid defense of justifiable homicide.

Stretch Like A Cat

As I was stretching after doing my Jane Fonda low-impact aerobic workout tonight, I had a little companion. There I was lying on my mat when my cat Jane decided to join me. So we did our stretching together. Now if only she would join me in the aerobics. She weighs in at the hefty 15 1/2 lbs. My other cat, Emma, on the other hand, is an extremely svelte 9 1/2 lbs. Had I only known that my little grey kitten, Jane Eyre, was going to grow up to look like a linebacker, I would have named her L.T. instead.

Vanity Plate

Both Jane and Jay at The Daily Rant have created their own vanity plates courtesy of the Acme License Maker. Never one to ignore a trend, I have created my own. It is the quintessential New York license plate. Well, without the profanity. It is a license plate, after all.

Merde on France?

The BBC refused to air these anti-French jokes:

“What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?”
“A salesman”;

“What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?”
“There are skid marks before the hedgehog”;

“What do you call 20 French politicans face down in the English Channel?”
“A start.”

Could they have felt the jokes would upset the sensitivities of our gallant allies, the Frogs? How dumb can you get?

Posted at 06:14 PM | Comments (2)

More Silly Brit Tricks

What is the purpose of having a law that requires employers to provide lavatories for their staff but doesn't require them to let their staff use them?

Message In A Blog

Michele needs help!

Page Error

Okay, this is just too funny.

Via On The Third Hand.

Vote For The Celebrity Of Your Choice, But Vote!

Alan has put up a new poll asking the timely question Who is the most annoying anti-war celebrity? So far France is in the lead (although I feel that referring to France as a celebrity will puff up their already out-sized egos, the only reason I did not cast my vote for them), with a 3-way tie between Sean Penn, Bianca Jagger, and Susan Sarandon for second place. My only question - Where is Viggo Mortensen's name? I think he's just the most annoying anything celebrity. No, really. If I were asked to name the most annoying female celebrity, I'd say Viggo Mortensen. He's just THAT annoying.

UPDATE: I'd value shares of Viggo Mortensen at £0.00. Better yet, though, he's not even listed.

For Rent

You know, I'm putting my apartment on the market and will have to move soon. I wonder how much they want for this? Could it be actually be pricier than Manhattan real estate? It would certainly give me plenty of room for my shoes.

Top 40

Laurence Simon kindly writes Madonna's next song.

UPDATE: Laurence also points us to another web referral service, Bligz, this one focused on metadata.

Weird Search Update

A friend of mine writes me that it's dangerous to do a web search for pig vibrator. Well, yes. Probably best not to open that link at work, unless you want your coworkers to think you're some kind of inflatable pig loving pervert.

I'm Trading In My Cable Modem

After reading this.

Unlicensed Dentistry

Who the hell would even go see a dentist who worked out of the back of a 10-year-old Honda?

Turkey Bologna

Sure there are homeless people who don't have accommodations as good as this, but PETA is protesting the housing of the two turkeys given "Presidential pardons" on Thanksgiving. It's good to have priorities.

Is Bill Schmidt Crazy?

Not only do inquiring minds want to know, but apparently I am the number one source for the answer. Well, I don't know if he's crazy, but he might be a little offbeat.

We Are Not Alone

According to the Bush administration's budget document, there may be space aliens out there.

In a brief passage titled "Where Are the Real Space Aliens?" Bush's budget document released Monday says several important scientific discoveries in the past decade indicate that "habitable worlds" in outer space may be much more prevalent than once thought.

No report as to whether they plan on funding any programs to try to validate that theory or whether it is just some nice words.

This Coffee Tastes Like Crap

The world's most expensive coffee, Kopi Luwak, sells for as much as $300 per pound, primarily because its beans are very rare. As well they should be, since the bean can only be found in the droppings of a civet. Mmmm. cat shit coffee.

A Marketing High

With Britain poised to relax marijuana laws next year, a major new study has been released indicating that British pot smokers contribute £11 billion to the British economy. £5 billion is for the drug itself, and the remaining £6 billion
is spent on "companion" products, such as munchies and video games. Could word of this study be the impetus needed to at least decriminalize, if not outright legalize, pot in this country? Given the recent increase in government-sponsored anti-drug legislation, I fear not.

Groundhog Schmoundhog

Given the temperatures we have been experiencing in the Northeast, I don't think we really needed Punxsutawney Phil to tell us that there's going to be another six weeks of wintry weather. But who am I, given the state of the job market, to put a poor groundhog out of work?

Sensible Solutions For A Crazy World

Yahoo! has validated what I've known all along - Reading my blog is one of the top 5 sensible solutions for a crazy world. I know this because someone sensibly arrived at my site through such a search.