My Nefarious Plot
Now that Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, I've been thinking about my personal strategy for this year's War on Christmas. I thought I'd run it by you all to get your feedback.
- I'm going to wish people I don't know a "Happy Holidays", because I can't be sure if they're Christian or not. What with Christmas being a holiday and all, it seems covered under that phrase. I will wish a "Merry Christmas" to my Christian friends, and I will expect them to wish me a "Happy Chanukah" or "Hanukkah" or "Chanukkah" or however they wish to spell it when they say it. Just as long as they don't spell it "Christmas".
- When people wish me a "Merry Christmas", I will say "Thank you." Contrary to popular belief, this actually occurs a lot. In New York City. Even on those occasions when I deign to visit the Upper West Side. Crazy Manhattanites and their Merry Christmas-wishing ways.
- I will not buy a Christmas tree. (Although I will light the menorah for eight nights.)
- I will only listen to Christmas carols in my home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, since I do actually like a lot of them. But I won't be listening to them for the next four weeks straight, because, really, four weeks of the same songs over and over? I don't even listen to the same Ramones songs over and over for four weeks straight, and, dude, they're the Ramones!
- I will not wear red and green. It would interfere with my black wardrobe. OK, the occasional red sweater. With black. But no green. It makes me look a little sallow.
- I will not eat ham. Unless I happen to be in Paris and the ham is part of a hot sandwich smothered in melted gruyere cheese. Because croque monsieurs are awesome. But other than that, I don't like ham.
- I will drink eggnog, because I LOVE eggnog. Don't get me started on eggnog lattes, or I will wax rhapsodic until you want to slap me upside the head. Eggnog AND coffee? It's like heaven. What could be wrong with eggnog and coffee? PS, don't hate on the latte. What has it ever done to you? Besides, I don't so much sip it as chug it.
So, what do you think? Winning strategy? Stay the course, or cut and run?