Plum Crazy

I have a lot of single friends. Not surprisingly, a fair number of them take to issuing broad generalizations of the opposite sex. Something along the lines of this. So for all of you, my single friends, who indulge themselves in this past-time, take this for your own good.

After years of stifling a genre-wide desire to scream that "Women's issues" really means "Women have issues", some men are leaving the closet (not that closet).

Yes, it's true. Women have issues. Men have issues. People have issues. If this either surprises or bothers you, perhaps you need to take a good, hard look at how realistic your expectations are. If you want to have a relationship, you will need to put up with the other person's issues. The key is to figure out which issues you can deal with and which you cannot. If you are having trouble finding someone who has issues you can deal with, the problem is likely with your expectations, not with the vast majority of the opposite sex. [Nor, incidentally, should it be particularly shocking that a group of people with similar experiences will share similar issues.]

Is there a man alive who has never heard women in a conversation of this stripe: "I can't find a decent man. As usual, they're only interested in taking the easy way out. Fear of commitment. Even a male scientist admits it - how much more proof could anyone need?" And is there a single man still alive who dared to step in and disagree?

Actually, there are. You may not know any of them, but your personal experience is nothing on which to base a statistically valid conclusion. Sampling bias and all that. I've heard men take issue with that statement. Further, you know the proper response. If you choose not to make it, well, at least you admit you've no one to blame but yourself.

Here's the thing. If you get to a certain age without being married, there's a really good chance that the problem is you. I include myself in that statement. Which is not to say that you're unlovable or horrid in some fashion. The problem is either that you may not actually want to get married or that you do, but some fear you have is greater than your desire to get married. So you either continually choose inappropriate people or prevent yourself from opening yourself up to the risk of being hurt.

If you've been dating for 20 years and can only come to the conclusion that, for example, either "Women want men with money" or "Men just want hot women" (or any number of other stereotypes or, basically, that the opposite sex just has "issues"), then you're almost certainly continually choosing inappropriate people. There's a lot of evidence that women marry men without money and that men marry normal-looking women, or any other stereotype. Just look around. If that man who makes less than you do got married, you can too. If that woman who is less attractive than you are got married, you can too. I know it's easier and more ego-flattering to think that the problem is with everyone else, but that doesn't make it true or even likely.

I also understand how frustrating it can be to consistently hear members of the opposite sex make negative comments about your own. It's upsetting. I work in a predominantly male-dominated environment. I can't tell you how many men continually run down their wives or women in general. I don't like hearing it. It should come as no great shock to anyone that as a woman, I tend to relate more to women. So I find myself thinking "Look, I know you, and you're no great prize either." Furthermore, for every horror story a man can tell about a woman he knew, I can trade a horror story about a man I knew. What is this all supposed to prove?

So Glenn Reynolds is right. There are also a lot of loser men on the dating scene. Perhaps he just said this as a sop to his wife. Or perhaps he said it because it's, you know, true. Maybe I'm naive, but I'm going with the latter.

While I'm at it, my list of the top 10 things I personally hope never again to hear from men (nearly all things I've heard in some fashion more than once):

1. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Talk about falling for a Hollywood fantasy.
   
2. Why is it that women do [insert negative characteristic here]? Because, you know, the way to get me to really like you is to say nasty things about my gender. Yeah, that's a winning strategy.
   
3. There are women you have sex with and women you marry. You're the kind of woman you marry, and I'm not looking to get married. Shoo, shoo, just go away.
   
4. But you're so independent. How was I supposed to know you wanted to get married some day? Yes, because clearly one cannot want to get married for any reason other than being incapable of taking care of yourself. Wait, then why is it that so many men want to get married too?
   
5. There must be a ton of men who want to sleep with you. I know you'll find this hard to believe, but that isn't the thing I most value about myself. I hope it's not the thing anyone most values about me.
   
6. Norway is in Scandinavia. Okay, I did only hear that one once, but it struck me as just the most inane thing I'd ever heard. I was already aware that Norway was in Scandinavia. I may be geographically challenged, but not to that degree.
   
7. [Insert any words here while man talks to my breasts.] Okay, look, yes, they are larger than average. But you're a grown man. You've seen women's breasts before. Please have a little more respect.
   
8. [Insert same stories about ex-girlfriend or ex-wife told a multitude of times.] Somehow, I think you're not quite over your ex yet.
   
9. "My mother thinks you're a gold-digger who is seducing me to get pregnant and force me to marry you. Another one I only heard once, but why, why did I need to know that? Your mother was not a well woman. Besides, if she really knew you, she'd know the only thing I ever had to do to seduce you was breathe. It wasn't hard.
   
10. I think I'm gay. The final one is one I also only heard once. But trust me, once is more than enough. I've heard some people say that it would be better to have your boyfriend leave you for another man then for another woman. Those people are wrong. Really, really wrong.

Found at both Mr. Snitch and at Ilyka Damen.