1st Argument
I had my first argument with my girlfriend of four-plus months yesterday and am still bummed about it. It's impressive that we made it this long without an argument, and things should be ok, but still I feel bad about situation and for the role that I played.
This past weekend was a hectic weekend for me. I don't usually do well without some downtime built into my schedule, and between hiking to my parents house in Pennslyvania for Thanksigiving on Thursday, and then basically heading straight to Judy's for a weekend with her, I had little breathing room, something I have a hard time adjusting to.
Then yesterday was a long day, longer than I would have preferred given that I had to turn around and go back to work today. We met my sister for brunch and had a lovely time. We then spent time at Lesley's apartment playing board games.
Afterwards we went to meet Judy's friends who were in town from Florida for a couple of hours. By that time it was getting late, I was getting tired, and I began to shut down socially.
I usually don't do well meeting people for the first time. Big-time resistance to talking to them, to being sociable comes up, and at times, I become anxious. All three hit me yesterday, and I was in a pretty uncivil and uncommunicative mood. I answered questions to the barest extent possible, was pretty short in my answers and in my attitude, and basically withdrawn and anti-social.
After we left her friends, Judy said to me, "You didn't say anything," which was pretty much true. I explained to her what was going on, how anxious I felt, and apologized, but in a somewhat defensive manner, as opposed to, "Yes, I know, and I apologize for not being there. I know how important it was to you, but I was feeling anxious and found it difficult to participe fully. I will try to do better the next time." She was pouting, clearly upset with me, and I turned to her and said, "What else do you want from me? You're giving me the cold shoulder." Her response was that she had nothing to say, and I said, it would be nice to hear you say, "I understand." When that wasn't forthcoming, I said, "But I guess you can't do that." She finally shared her frustration with me by saying, "Talk about giving someone the cold shoulder." I explained again how difficult it was for me, that she didn't know just how anxious I felt.
We walked in silence for a while until we get to the subway station. She then gave me a kiss on the cheek and a smile to let me know it was ok, but instead, I was taken aback by the sudden shift in mood and the ease with which she had forgiven me. So stupidly, I said, "What did you do that for?" She gave up in expaseration at that point, truly hurt by my callousness, and we rode in the train in silence. When we got off to transfer at the next station, I reached for he and she reached back. We hugged in silence for a moment until her train pulled in and said our goodbyes. So we left things on a relatively decent note, and I called this morning to apologize again.
We still haven't fully aired things out, but I am hopeful that we can get beyond this. My one concern is whether I have enough to give of myself mentally to be there in situations like yesterday. All I know for certain, and truly know with 100% clarity at this point, is how much I love her and how much I want things with her to work. That I will need to learn to be a little more tolerant and mentally stronger when placed in challening situations like yesterday.