Over?
Regular readers know that I suffer from anxiety disorder and am a recovering agoraphobic. The underlying condition that causes my anxiety is obsessive compulsive disorder. I have worrisome thoughts that go around my head in circles and that create anxiety that a few months ago was debilitating.
When I was out with Jennifer on Saturday night, I decided to tell her. We have only been together a short time and I wasn't sure if I should tell her so soon. However, she values honesty above all else in a relationship and had been open enough to tell me that her brother is bipolar. She would have to know at some point about my illness, especially if we became intimate because of my medicine's potential side effects, and I felt Saturday was the right time when she started expressing anxiety about an upcoming cruise she's going on.
I took a deep breath and told her everything that happened from basically last October through April when I finally overcome the agoraphobia. At the time - and you know what's coming - it seemed to go well. She had a lot of questions, but she was understanding. We parted on a very good note.
Unfortunately, last night she called to end the brief relationship. She is looking to settle down and have children. Because her brother is bipolar and she suffers from anxiety of her own, she is concerned about what would happen if we were to have children together, that there is a risk of them inheriting a mental illness of some sort - be it my OCD, anxiety, or her brother's bipolar disorder. There was little I could say to change her mind, though I am not 100% sure if she was closing the door for good or needed time to think things through. I will try once more to persuade her to move forward, that there are risks inherent in any partnership and that OCD isn't a true mental illness but instead a condition that is mild in my case and manageable.
Regardless, I at first rued my decision to be honest with her, since we would still be together if I had kept my mouth shut. My shrink would say that I might have been subconsciously sabotaging the relationship, which might be true. In reality, though, it is better to know now rather than later, better to end things before we became too attached. I can only hope that the next person can handle the news better than Jennifer and my last girlfriend, that I can fully participate in the relationship despite my obsessive tendencies and anxieties.
Comments
I think it is brave of you to tell her. I am going to have to go through the same questions if I start taking medication. I got nervous when you said you did it all in one breath because it sounds like you truly unloaded it on her and she was already bothered by her brother's illness and you just had to add to the pile of stress with your problems.
Timing is very important. It is also very important how you tell her. Maybe you shouldn't see it as a mental illness, rather your tendency to not like going outside. I have a feeling that telling the girl what troubles you sometimes without giving the actual psychological name with its stigma can ease the message while still keeping you honest.
Plus, your OCD and fear of going outside shouldn't be "disclosed" as if it is some secret. It is part of you, something you deal with on a daily basis. It shouldn't be something you must tell her, especially not in one breath. In future dates I would start a conversation that would lead into it and then when you talk about it nonchalantly without any emotion (as if it wasn't even a problem), then perhaps the message to the girl could be received better. I hope this helps.
-Zoe Strickman
Posted by: Zoe Strickman | August 15, 2005 09:59 AM
Good that you talk about it. Sounds like you're actually doing fairly well. Basically only people who are highly cognitive and overly imaginative have OCD, so given the country we live in I'm absolutely certain Jennifer will have no problem whatsoever finding someone to lower the IQ's of her future one or two-dimensional progeny.
Posted by: Jim | August 16, 2005 10:25 PM
There's no proof it's hereditary either by the way. There may be a predisposition as there MAY be with other disorders, but more than likely most children who follow in their parents footsteps do so because of learned behavior.
Posted by: Jim | August 16, 2005 10:32 PM
I'm really sad that she let that get in the way. I've gotten to the point where I tell people up front about my illness, so that if they can't handle it, or it's going to affect the way they treat me, I know right up front. I don't believe we should take on any stigma about being ill, any more than a person with diabetes or heart disease does. Don't let her weakness get you down. There's someone better out there for you.
Posted by: Morgaine Swann | August 17, 2005 04:38 AM
I am so sorry she feels that way. But I'm hoping you'll find an even better girl who can accept you warts and all.
So, OCD and agoraphobia? Are you . . . I mean, are we related? Wanna come help me print address labels some time?!?
Posted by: ilyka | August 17, 2005 11:17 PM