Docs: Evil Emperor Is Pedro's Father
Yankees and Red Sox fans were split over the news that DNA tests confirmed that George Steinbrenner is not just Pedro Martinez’s figurative “daddy” but is also the pitcher’s biological father. Where Red Sox fans saw a sliver of hope that the stunning revelation means an end to the curse that has weighed on Boston since 1918, Yankees fans dismissed such hopes as fantasy. “He’s a lunatic anyway,” one fan said. “Once he gets over the shock, he’s going to embrace the Dark Side and sign with the Yankees as a free agent.”
In a revelation that sent shockwaves through the baseball world, doctors today revealed that not only is New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner figuratively Pedro Martinez’s “daddy” but is in fact his biological father. The news follows DNA tests performed on all males associated with the Yankees who are old enough to have fathered the star hurler.
Boston Red Sox team physician Bill Morgan explained that the tests were done after Martinez jokingly suggested last month that he could “call the Yankees my daddy.” While most people attributed the remarks to Martinez’s frustration at continually losing to New York in key games, Morgan saw something deeper.
“We took the comments as a plea for help. That Pedro wasn’t sure about his true lineage and that maybe he suspected someone on the Yankees sired him on a junket to the Dominican Republic. We decided to heed this call. Not knowing who your father is, where you come from, can be profoundly unsettling.”
Morgan said he would have waited until after the playoffs to go public with the news, but the growing clamor over the issue in recent days forced his hand. “When you have 55,000 Yankees fans asking in unison, ‘Who’s your daddy?’ you just can’t ignore them. They’re expressing genuine sympathy over Pedro’s uncertainty. You want to give them answers.”
That it turned out to be George Steinbrenner was the real stunner for Morgan. “I was thinking of someone more athletic, more – how shall I phrase this gently – not as lily white being his father. Let’s face it. With no disrespect to that fat gluttonous bastard whose insatiable greed can never be quenched, can you picture someone as tight-assed as Steinbrenner fathering someone like Pedro?”
Apparently Martinez couldn’t. According to teammates, he is too distraught by the news to comment publicly. “It adds a whole new level to the Evil Empire, Darth Vader thing,” battery mate Jason Varitek said. “I mean it’s like when Darth Vader told Luke he was his father. Here you’ve vowed to snuff out the tyrannical overlord and all he stands for and he turns out to be your Dad. It’s got to be tough to swallow.”
Manny Ramirez, Martinez’s best friend on the team, added, “Pedro flipped. He was like, ‘No, it’s not true. It’s not possible.’ And Steinbrenner – he was on speaker phone so we could overhear – says, ‘Search your feelings, you know it to be true.’ He told Pedro to take his hand. That they could rule baseball as father and son. Vanquish Bud Selig and revenue sharing. That Selig had foreseen it.”
Steinbrenner declined to comment as well, but acknowledged through team spokesman Rick Cerone that the news is true. While on a trip to the Dominican Republic in 1971, when he was 40, he met Martinez’s mother Leopoldina and was instantly smitten. “Their flame burned short,” said Cerone, “but oh so bright. Nine months later, that October, this beautiful and exceptional love child was born. Obviously, he takes after his mother.” Paulino Jamie, until now believed to be Martinez’s father, raised Martinez as his own until Martinez was eight, when he and Leopoldina divorced.
Fans of both teams were split on what the news means. Red Sox fans saw it as the end of the curse that has plagued the club since 1918, when Boston sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees and won its last World Series. “I’ve seen Return of the Jedi, like I don’t know, maybe a hundred times, when the Evil Empire gets its long deserved comeuppance,” said lifetime Red Sox fan Ari Sky. “The best part is when Luke gets through to Darth Vader’s good side and Vader tosses the Emperor down that chute thingy. Pedro’s going to have the same effect on Steinbrenner. He’ll sell all his belongings, donate his wealth to charity, walk the earth like Caine from Kung Fu, and open the door wide for the Red Sox to saunter through. The wait is over, baby, it’s over!”
Yankees fans scoffed at the notion. One fan said, “Please, once Pedro gets over the shock, he’s going to embrace the Dark Side – he’s a lunatic anyway – and sign with the Yankees as a free agent, leaving the Red Sox high and dry. It’s kind of sickening to picture Steinbrenner doing the horizontal bop, but hey, if it nets the Yankees more players like Martinez, I say, ‘Get busy, George. Get busy.’ After all, Charlie Chaplin was fathering kids into his 70’s.”