Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball
In honor of the World Series, I've transcribed one of my favorite Bob Newhart stand-up routines entitled "Nobody Will Ever Play Baseball". Enjoy.
I got thinking about baseball, and how games are marketed today. You know, you go to a game manufacturer, and they figure everything out. And decide whether the game is right for the public or not, and then they market it. And it got me to thinking supposing Abner Doubleday had called one of the game manufacturers with this new invention of his called baseball. Now I think a phone conversation would have taken place something like this.
Hel..Hello, Olympic Games. What can I do for you, Mr. Doubleday?
You've got a game. How many couples?
18 people? That's a helluva lot of people.
Well the ideal game is, I mean, 2-3 couples. You know, come over to the house, they get a little smashed, and you know.
You can't play it in the house either? You see, you've got two things right there against you.
All right, all right. Tell me about it.
You got 9 guys on each side. Yeah.
You got a pitcher and a catcher. They throw this ball back and forth. That's all there is to it?
All right. A guy from the other side stands between them. With a bat. I see. And he just watches them?
Oh, I see. He swings at it?
He may or he may not swing at it. Depending on what?
"If it looked like it were a ball." Uh, what's a ball, Mr. Doubleday?
You've got this plate. Uh-huh.
And as long as it's above the knees but below the shoulders, it... No, no, go ahead, I'm listening... it's a strike. 3 strikes and you're out, and 3 balls...
Not 3 balls, 4 balls. Why 4 balls, Mr. Doubleday?
Nobody's ever asked you before.
Or he may hit it? If he hits it, what happens?
He runs as far as he can, before somebody catches it. As long as it stays what?
As long as it stays fair. And what's fair, Mr. Doubleday?
You've got these two white lines? Is this a rib? Is this one of the guys in the office? Who is this?
Mr. Doubleday, that's the most complicated game I've ever heard in my life. Forget it. Right. Mr. Doubleday, listen, though. You come up with anything 2-3 couples, you be sure and let us know.
All right, Mr. Doubleday. I'll be talking with you.