10 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen
I watched a movie yesterday that got me thinking about the worst movies I've ever seen. This movie was so bad that, in fact, I believe it is the worst movie I've ever seen, so it gets the dubious honor of topping the list. The rest are in no particular order.
1. Feardotcom. The plot is disjointed. The acting is terrible. Even the usually fantastic Stephen Rea is bad in this clunker. A website that kills you 48 hours after you visit it. Do yourself a favor. If the description intrigues you, rent The Ring instead. Even better, rent the original Japanese version, Ringu. Ringu is scary. Feardotcom is just grotesque.
2. The Smokers. The premise of this movie, three private school girls sick of being treated badly by men decide to turn the tables, could have worked. It could have worked if it had been a satire. As a drama, it was just stupid. You couldn't relate to the protagonists. In a satire, you would know you were supposed to be detached from them. In a drama, you have to be involved in their story to care. All I kept thinking was these girls seriously needed therapy.
3. Spawn. John Leguizamo playing a foul-mouthed clown from hell who resembles a beach ball. "Nuff said.
4. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. The animation was great. The plot wasn't. Could they have hit you over the head more with the socially conscious themes? I think not. It's not good when an animated feature takes itself too seriously.
5. American Psycho 2. The first thing that should have given it away was the words "straight to video". Sadly it was on cable, so I didn't know. American Psycho was a gory movie, but it was a fantastically dark satire about the greed and commercialism of the 80s. The scene with the business cards was perfect. The sequel was not fantastic, dark, or a satire. It was just bad. The main character wasn't interesting. William Shatner was not at all believable as a brilliant FBI profiler. The only thing that made the movie even slightly bearable was Geraint Wyn Davies.
6. Dungeons and Dragons. Jeremy Irons, whom I normally love, was awful as the evil wizard Profion. And he was the best actor in the movie. The plot was completely unbelievable. Why did the Council believe that Savina was unfit to rule? Flimsy at best. Make it go away.
7. The Wedding Planner. J. Lo and Matthew McConaughey. She was annoying. He was a jerk. Who cared about them falling in love?
8. Corpse Grinders. Soylent green cat food turns kitty into a flesh-craving monster. Sure, it could have been a great satire on corporate culture, but it was just dumb. And not at all scary.
9. Flash Gordon. Not even a cool soundtrack by Queen, Max von Sydow, Brian Blessed, and Timothy Dalton could save this from the overwhelmingly horrible performances of Sam Jones and Melody Anderson. It's a bad sign when you're rooting for Ming the Merciless to kill Flash.
10. Masters of the Universe. Speaking of rooting for villains to kill heroes, I was hoping Skeletor would kill He-Man just to put us out of his misery. Where did anyone get the idea that Dolph Lundgren could act? Even worse was having the action take place both in Eternia and Earth. It might have been bearable if Dolph Lundgren had only to interact with other cartoonish characters in Eternia, but to have him interact with kids on Earth just pointed up how cartoonish he really was.
Comments
Two Words - MARS ATTACKS
Posted by: jillian | October 20, 2003 08:01 PM
The worst movie I saw in the thater was "The Cassandra Crossing"
Posted by: Just John | October 20, 2003 09:03 PM
You forgot the all-time, worst movie ever made: XXX.
Terrible special effects, terrible plot, and even worse what they try to pass as acting. I regret that I'll never be able to get the time I spent watching this movie back. What a waste of two hours of my life.
Posted by: Nathan Machula | October 21, 2003 05:07 PM
Ah, but I did not forget it. I never saw it, so it wouldn't be a list of the 10 Worst Movies I've Ever Seen. I had no doubt it would be had I seen it, which is why I avoided it like the plague.
I also haven't seen Mars Attacks or The Cassandra Crossing, two things I do not plan on rectifying.
Posted by: Lesley | October 21, 2003 05:36 PM
About Schmidt sucks.
So does "The Pledge".
I go against the 'kool kids' and say that Fargo was awful.
And Grease II belongs on any 'bad movie' list, as well as Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
And I haven't even started on the Charlie Sheen or Mickey Roarke movies.
Posted by: Ricky | October 21, 2003 06:29 PM
I agree that Ringu is great. If you can get it, see the sequel, Ring 2. It starts off where Ringu ends. Very creepy!
My nomination for one of the worst movies I've ever seen: Manos, Hand of Fate.
Posted by: Trish Wilson | October 21, 2003 07:19 PM
'Hardware.' Worst movie ever.
It remains to this day, the only time I ever got up and left a movie theater in the middle of the film.
It was that bad and starred the then unheard of Dylan McDermott.
Posted by: Jay Caruso | October 21, 2003 10:24 PM
"Gangs of New York", most overhyped piece o'crap in the last few years.
Posted by: jimc | October 21, 2003 10:38 PM
Great book, horrid movie: Starship Troopers.
Posted by: AlphaPatriot | October 21, 2003 10:55 PM
Clearly you have never seen Stop or My Momma Will Shoot.
Posted by: John Cole | October 21, 2003 11:01 PM
Good call, jimc. I just watched that last weekend & kept wondering what all the hoopla was about.
However, Daniel Day Lewis was absolutely phenominal ---- but what an overblown pile of artsy-fartsy crap. DiCaprio as a tough guy? What next, Denise Richards as a scientist (wait, they already tried that one in a Bond movie....nice casting, Hollywood).
Posted by: Ricky | October 21, 2003 11:15 PM
Flash Gordon stunk, what did you think of Flesh Gordon? I think that is the one and only time a porno spoof of a real movie was better than the original. Sort of a new take on sloppy seconds. (it ws soft core porn)
Funny I think that is the only movie in your worst ten I have even seen.
Did see a Lundgren movie that warrants mention. The Punisher. There is a new version coming out though it will have to be better than Lundgrens version.
Posted by: Justin | October 22, 2003 02:55 PM
XXX was fun! Silly, fun, mindlessly entertaining.
Anyway, I remember seeing Corpse Grinders at the drive-in with a friend who liked horror and gore. Bizarre. Don't remember it well enough to say if I'd call it among the worst, but it was more amusing than scary to me.
Dare I say I liked The Wedding Planner? Far from the best romantic comedy type of films, but watchable and cute.
I don't agree Final Fantasy belongs on a bottom list, but I do agree about the social bludgeoning being a big detractor from the movie. It could have been far better! I still enjoyed it for the animation and the rather different kind of storyline.
Posted by: Jay Solo | October 22, 2003 07:39 PM
The Wedding Planner is an odd entry for your list. I can't imagine that people who like romantic movies would dislike it - and pay-per-view, DVD sales, and rental record support this.
What the hell did you expect when you bought the ticket?
Posted by: film fan | November 3, 2003 02:16 PM
I didn't buy a ticket. I saw it on cable. I generally like Matthew McConaughey, so I thought I might enjoy it. Sadly his character was a jerk.
Hey, lots of people like shit I don't like. And I like stuff most people would probably hate. This is a list of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen, not the 10 worst movies as voted on by the general public. My tastes aren't determined by the masses.
Posted by: Lesley | November 3, 2003 03:40 PM
I liked Final Fantasy just cause I am a FF game junkie... but it could have been better. I think the worst movie/s I have ever seen were "Freddie Got Fingered" (I cringe just thinking that I was dumb enough to get convinced to watch it) and The first Blair witch. Maybe the reason I didn't like it was because I saw it after I knew it wasn't based on anything real, but everyone I know who saw it before then said it was the best movie. Maybe it's just me.
Posted by: Ricky | November 29, 2003 11:21 PM
Only thing good that came out of Flash Gordon and Queen's sound track was the remix version that was only on the 1980 album Queen's Greatest hits. Fargo was horrible. John Candys last film Wagon's West was sure a disappointment I fell asleep 25 minutes into it, just to make sure i didn't just miss the good parts, I watched it on tv, from about where I fell asleep and I just turned it off after 20 min.
Posted by: bob | January 11, 2004 12:18 AM
Morgan is a hoe
Posted by: Brooke | January 20, 2004 11:54 AM
Morgan is a hoe
Posted by: Brooke | January 20, 2004 11:54 AM
I have no idea who Morgan is, but I find it fascinating that he or she is a yard implement.
Posted by: Lesley | January 20, 2004 09:46 PM