Plum Crazy

You'd know what a drag it is to see you.

In reading a lot of the reactions from men about the whole Schwarzenegger thing, I've been surprised. Some have outright condemned him. Others, ones I wouldn't expect it of, have more or less glossed over the thing as "no big deal." I just read a description of the reports by Jay of The Daily Rant as "...the tracking down of the alleged "victims" of his manliness weren't bad enough". Which really just floored me, because I would never have thought before that Jay would brush reports like these off in that way.

I wish that men magically became women for one week and had to put up with the shit that we put up with on a regular basis. Then maybe some wouldn't so offhandedly dismiss the reports. Maybe they'd realize that it is demeaning and humiliating to have some guy grope you without your consent, and that it's not a sign of manliness. Maybe they'd realize that women actually can tell the difference between a man who is just saying he finds her attractive and one who is trying to intimidate her. One big clue, guys - Men who are just saying they find you attractive don't call you a "whore" or "bitch" when you don't respond.

Case in point - One day I was walking down the street when a guy gives me two thumbs up and yells out "Hey, baby, love the outfit!" And I gave him a big smile. Why? Because I knew he wasn't trying to intimidate me, but was, in fact, just saying he found me attractive. That was nice.

Let's compare and contrast that situation to another time I was walking down the street and a guy came up to me. This guy, however, said to me "How much?" WTF? I dress pretty conservatively. I don't wear low-cut tops. I don't wear micro-minis. I don't even wear skirts without wearing pantyhose or tights. So what would prepossess anyone to think I was a hooker? Sorry, I don't put that one in the category of "just saying he finds me attractive."

Or the time that a guy yelled out to me as I was passing "Hey, baby, what do you like for breakfast?" I just ignored him and kept walking, as pretty much any woman would have, and he followed it up with the completely cognitively dissonant "Whore!" And where does that come from? I mean, really, if I were a whore I'd have gone up to him and given him my price, not ignored him. The "logic" astounds.

By the way "what do you like for breakfast" is a completely unoriginal line and not one likely to get a woman to fall into your waiting arms. I've lost count of the number of times that one's been yelled out at me on the street. I'm unaware of any time it's been successful with any woman. Another reason I doubt it's actually meant as a pick-up line. Eventually people switch pick-up lines when they aren't successful.

Then there are the times I've been "jostled"* on crowded trains. The first time I was only 17, and I felt so humiliated. I couldn't move away from the guy, because the train was so packed. Finally we got off the train. I was on an exchange trip to France when it happened and never told any of the students or the teacher who were with me. I was so embarrassed and thought they might think less of me. As if I had done something wrong.

The second time I was in my 20s. I simply moved away. The third time was just a few years back. I tried moving away at first, but the bastard followed me and continued. At that point, I hauled off and rammed my elbow really hard into his abdomen. He stopped. Believe me, if it ever happens again, I'm not waiting. The bastard's going down. If I'm wearing heels, I'll ram one into his instep. If I can't do that, I'll use the elbow in the abdomen trick again. Whatever. But next time, I'm not moving away.

Sadly, none of these are uncommon or infrequent experiences for women. Shit like this happens all the time. I understand that sometimes men do things that they mean well, like putting their arms around an upset woman, and the woman misinterprets it to be harassing. That is unfortunate. But there is a real qualitative difference between putting your arms around an upset woman and reaching under her shirt and bra to grab her breast without her consent. Just because the first incident has been misinterpreted by some women doesn't mean the second one has. It's kind of hard to mean well when you're doing the second. And if you recognize the second as being harassing and abusive, that doesn't mean that somehow you become harassers or abusers for having done the first. It also doesn't mean that if you grab a woman's breasts with her consent, that you are a harasser or abuser.

I also understand that men go through things that women don't understand. But this post isn't about that. If one of you guys wants to write about those things, go right ahead. Needless to say, I'm not in a position to do that. So spare me that as an excuse, please.

*For those who don't know what "jostling" is (and that is one hell of a benign term for it), it is when a woman is standing with her back to a man. He has his pelvis (and his erection) pushed into her buttocks and is pumping it back and forth. It is not an infrequent occurrence on crowded trains.