Dear Spammers
Thank you so much for the lovely e-mails. It's so nice to know that so many of you care to write me, since about 75% of my e-mail is spam. But I have a few questions for you.
1. What possible purpose would getting big erections serve me? Write the guys I date.
2. I am sorry to learn that the assorted relatives and aides of Mobutu Sese Seko, Sani Abacha, and Jonas Savimbi have yet to find anyone to help them get their millions of dollars out of their countries. But do you think that asking me every other day is going to convince me?
3. What services do you think I offer that you are writing for more information on?
4. What would possess you to think that after viewing my site it would be a good place to cross-promote your client's aluminum siding business?
5. This is a website, not a TV show. How the hell are you going to bring it to Israeli TV? It doesn't even have a plot. Although if Israeli TV is anything like American TV, that might not seem like an obstacle to you.
Thank you. I look forward to receiving your detailed responses.
Comments
" What possible purpose would getting big erections serve me? Write the guys I date."
I can't imaging the guys you date having any issue that could be solved by an e-mail. just my impression.
Posted by: Rick DeMent | September 29, 2003 10:14 PM
Ah, that's why I got the message yesterday about your server being full! Glad to see you back, I missed you. Now give me a job. :) :) :)
Posted by: Elayne Riggs | September 30, 2003 04:22 PM
1. We, the Lowly Spamming Scum of the Earth, target women for penis-enlargement advertisements because it is ultimately going to be the woman that is dissatisfied with the size of their partner's implement. While we think it is true that men do have several varieties of self-confidence worries regarding the adequacy of their anatomy, we've found that we can generate more business if we send the ads to the person most affected. This is, incidentally, why we also target men with ads to increase the size of "their" breasts.
You might wonder why we don't just address the penis-enhancement ads to females and the breast-enhancement ads to males. The truth is that we tried this once, but our potential customer base found this practice to be even more off-putting than normal. We've found that people are likely to forward our enhancement advertisements if we can maintain a certain detachment about it, and we think we lose that detachment if we address the recipients with ads specific to their gender.
2. The worst you can say is 'no'. shrug
3. Judging by your website, I imagine you offer certain administrative talents that are in high-demand nowadays. Not everyone can run a conspiracy.
4. This site purports to be the home of the Vast Center Wing Conspiracy. Frankly, how can we not target the owner of such a site. The Center Wing in this country simply has to be larger than the Left or Right Wings (and trust me, much friendlier to boot) and all of these people live somewhere. Some of them are going to have to need siding at some point, after all -- wood siding doesn't last forever!
5. You don't need a plot in today's television culture, you only need an idea. We think there is a need for programming that reflects the lives of ordinary boring Israelis -- kind of going back to the 'Center Wing' thing I mentioned above -- not the kind that go and get themselves blown up by either the oppressive fascist terrorists or the oppressive fascist government. We think that if we give this vast number of Israelis a Wing of their own, they'll feel more empowered and that will drive viewership which will drive ad revenue.
And isn't driving ad revenue what it's all about?
Posted by: Lowly Spamming Scum | October 1, 2003 02:34 PM
yeah. what he said
Posted by: zoomer | October 10, 2003 05:41 PM
Besides, those bigger erection products never work.
Posted by: Don Myers | October 13, 2003 04:57 PM